I am pretty sure tht there is not one person who is either reunited or contemplating reunion who has not either been warned about "opening that can of worms", or people asking if we "really want to open that all up again" as if by not talking about it, by not discussing it, it somehow doesn't exist. Yeah, that worked so well for the mothers of the BSE....NOT!!!
We ARE the ones who need to talk about these situations. We are the ONLY ones who should be bringing it up, since we are the ones who are most affected by it. By pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it disappear from people's minds or their memories. I read it in a google alert. It was in the newspaper in New Zealand (this is just the most recent...there are plenty of these in the US, and in other countries where Adoption is done in secrets and lies). It has been in the newspapers, onthe radio, on the news, on television, in popular tv dramas, and it is the stuff of urban legends. It has just the appropriate amount of shock value and "ick factor" to make the headlines. And, legislators read the papers, watch tv, listen to the news and even have google alerts. They know. By not talking about it all we do is reinforce the impact.
We need to seek these stories out. They are thankfully rare and it is not the norm. However, when they crop up, it seems to me that it is up to us to talk about them in public places to remove the stigma. It is NOT this woman's fault that her son abused and raped her. It is not GSA (Genetic Sexual Attractions) any more than regular rape is sexual. It is, the same as rape of any kind, the exertion of power and control over another. It is punishment. It is abnormal. It is reprehensible and nothing, nothing, nothing this woman did at any time in her life, including surrendering her child for adoption, warrants this kind of behavior in return.
Rather than discusing this being a sexual crime against the mother, GSA, and run to "protect" mothers' pivacy from their lost children, how about discussing the possiblity that this was an abused child becoming the abuser. Abuse is not born in. It is learned behavior. How was this child taught to hold women in such contempt? What was he taught about the woman who gave birth to him? How was he trained? Who abused HIM? Those are the true questions that should be asked. These are the questions that legislators, adoption professionals, potentially surrendering mothers, prospective adoptive parents and anyone touched by adoption SHOULD be asking and these are some of the lessons that should be learned from this. Not how to continue hiding, or how to maintain privacy, but how to educate mothers and adopted adults on some of the issues surrounding the relinqusihment, the impact the BSE/EMS had on adoption laws and adoption perceptions.
This is also the EXACT REASON WHY AN INVESTIGATION NEEDS TO BE HELD INTO THE ERA OF MASS SURRENDER AKA THE BABY SCOOP ERA. Education is our best weapon. Educating the public to the things that happened during that time, the time in history with the highest percentage of surrenders in history and the largest numbers of infants ever made available for adoption. We can only tell the truth, tell our stories and make the public acknowledge it so that it becomes publicly common knowledge. The investigations would be a huge help and holding those accountable for the abuses would go a very long way towards accomplishing that.
Don't allow these things to be swept aside! Don't premit the industry to guide the discussion by forcing more shame on these crimes. The crime occurred way before this young man raped his mother. It happened when he was being raised by those who were supposed to be so superior to his natural mother to raise him. Hold THEM accountable!
9 comments:
Important, indeed...if this had only happened once, it could be seen as an isolated tragedy. The problem is that the EMS has caused a whole different category of emotional dysunction and personal damage and it needs to be taken out of the closet and made the subject of investigation and discussion. I agree with you.
Absolutely.It also needs to be noted that he comes from a culture where violence and abuse of women within the family is well known.
It is paramount that it be held in the light that applies, not the bs about the reunion or mother, but, as Sandy stated, the fact that abuse teaches abuse. That is psych101 - sadly, because it is not totally consistent, a lot of people don't want to believe it..... and sadly a lot of abusive adopters are so busy being hailed as saviors, their abuse goes unnoticed.
Excellent post!! Do you mind if I link to it?
I do believe that the secrecy is a major part in this. Adopted males handle their adoption differently than women. The only healthy adopted males that I have known are Ron Morgan and Wraith in their handling of their adoption. I commend both of them in achieving their emotional health. They are not perfect by any means but they have strived very hard to achieve it. I am sure there are more. I have an old boyfriend who was adopted. He doesn't have a healthy view towards adoption. That is one of the reasons why I chose not to date him again.
From an article in American Psychiatry: "It is now commonly known that a child who is physically, sexually and/or emotionally abused will probably go on, without intervention, to become an abuser. This happens in an overwhelming number of abuse cases."
Rape is an act of rage and control. It has nothing to do with being adopted..just is exacerbated by it. NOTHING can excuse the actions of this man.
@AmyAdopted, I am just going to ask - what is a healthy attitude towards adoption?
Kitta here:
thank you for posting this important truth. there are many cases of violence, and many angry adopted people, and there is no reason to hide that aspect of the adoption experience.
For many years I worked as the telephone 'contact person" for a national search/support organization. Many of the people who contacted the organization were angry, and I soon found out that female adopted people were just as angry as males.
That was not what I had originally been told....as I had been told that women were 'more compassionate/empathetic/able to understand/less angry...etc"
I think that women in general have become more assertive and are expressing more anger these days.
A few years ago,our support group invited a number of reunited mothers to come to a party. We had not seen these mothers in a long time, and when they came to the party they mostly told us that their daughters were angry with them and no longer speaking to them. Some daughters had even threatened them...
The mothers said they were ashamed to admit they no longer had a relationship with their daughters because they believed that most daughters would never reject a mother or be cruel to her.
The mothers believed that sons would behave badly...but not daughters.
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