Musing Mother

Secrets and Lies

2011-11-29T17:05:00.000-08:00

In 1964, my church hired a very active young man as Youth Minister. He was a family man, had a nice young wife and several small children. He was very active with the young people of the church and organized a Youth Choir that was wildly popular with the kids. The Youth Ministry became quite active, quite popular with the children of the church and also with their parents. Suddenly, however, in 1970, he quit. The official reason was that he had decided to return to music school in a nearby state, however, my mother told me that the real reason was that he was caught molesting the youth in his ministry. Instead of prosecuting him for the crime of Sexual Abuse against their children, in their infinite wisdom, the church leaders decided to let him leave the church, save face for himself and his family, and take his problem someplace else. Keep it secret, don't tell anyone and send it on to someone else....the guiding principle of the BSE. A conspiracy of silence existed to protect this man, his crimes and the sick perversions that he exercised against the youth of our church.

My mother, like much of her generation, was firmly entrenched in the SECRET-KEEPER mentality. I hated it. It had caused me to lose my son ("what will the neighbors say?"..."your sisters will ask questions"), and now it seemed that it would permit this predator who used his position of trust to prey upon youngsters for his sexual gratification to get away unpunished, and much like the mothers of the BSE, leave the victims to learn to cope with their experiences....or not.

When my mother told me about this stunning lack of conscience and integrity of my church leaders, I was horrified, but not surprised. I told her that all they had done was bump it uphill, make it someone else's problem, and that any child who was molested after their lack of action was on their heads.

I was reminded of this event in my church when the Pedophile Priest scandals broke. I was reminded again and more forcefully when the recent scandals broke out in the college sport programs. One cannot help but wonder if there would have been the same level of outrage if the abuse occurred in the Drama or Music Depts. But, these were very popular programs, winning coaches and brought money into the schools. The same could be said, on a much smaller scale, about the Youth Ministry at my church in the 1960's. So, the people in charge decided to look the other way, maintain a secret that damaged many people to avoid a scandal and to save face and keep the money rolling in. I called the church today to check the dates and make sure that my recollection of his name was correct, and found that the files indicate that he quit the church to return to school and resume his studies in music, so the lies and secrets continue. It seems unwed pregnancy wasn't the only secrets that were being kept back then!

Anyone who hasn't heard about the mess at Penn State, involving Jerry Sandusky, Joe Paterno has to be living in a vacuum. Now there is another similar but more recent case at Syracuse, where Basketball Coach, Bernie Fine was fired after evidence surfaced of his abuse of at least three students. His wife was recorded by one of the accusers, stating:

I know everything that went on with him. Bernie has issues, maybe that he's not aware of, but he has issues. And you trusted somebody you shouldn't have trusted.

Now, it seems that the police in Syracuse were aware of these allegations and actually had copies of those tapes for almost a decade.....but did nothing with them. The allegations of abuse had been made in Syracuse, as at Penn State, but a conspiracy of silence, a look-the-other-way attitude, allowed it to continue.

As recently as last Christmas, in his annual Christmas Address, the worst outrage the Pope could muster regarding the continuing scandal of abuse by parish priests, and others in the Catholic Church is that it was a "humiliation" for the church. Really? Humiliation? It was a much more life-altering event for the victims, I warrant! However, the Pope seemed to brush off the heinous nature, saying that until the 1970's that was normal!

Victims of clerical sex abuse have reacted furiously to Pope Benedict's claim yesterday that paedophilia wasn't considered an "absolute evil" as recently as the 1970s.

In his traditional Christmas address yesterday to cardinals and officials working in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI also claimed that child pornography was increasingly considered "normal" by society.

"In the 1970s, paedophilia was theorised as something fully in conformity with man and even with children," the Pope said.

My husband spent some time doing mold remediation. In one of the texts about mold growth there was a quote that really struck me, "Corruption flourishes in dark and secret places". There are many more kinds of corruption than simply mold growth. Secrecy and untruth are also dark places where corruption flourish. Secrets and lies are the ideal breeding ground for corrupt practices.

The cure for corruption, both in clothing, homes and in people is very clear in the Bible. In Leviticus, the book that lists the rules for the people of God, all the rules, including dietary, cleanliness and of homes and persons, it states very simply that all corruption be dealt with in this way...clean it, expose it to light and air, and don't let it be again returned to darkness. The same cure for mold exposure that is explained in Leviticus is true for the cancerous damage caused by keeping secrets and upholding lies.

Over Thanksgiving weekend another story hit the news. It was about the tragic death of a young man, a Drum Major in their prestigious music department, at Florida A&M University. It was a result, they allege, of Hazing.

The family’s lawyer announced that they will be suing the University. The lawyers said,

We are intending to file a lawsuit to get answers" about hazing at Florida Agriculture and Mechanical University, lawyer Chris Chestnut told reporters. "We are concerned about the culture of cover-up, that hazing has been covered up at the Band FAMU for generations. So, it's time now that we expose the truth, eradicate this culture and come up with creative remedies on how to continue the excellence of FAMU's band, but without hazing.

Seems that secrets and lies claimed another victim….but the light of truth will be shone on this one . Maybe someday we will learn….

Dia de los Madres

2011-10-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Let me begin by wishing you all a very Happy Halloween! I love this holiday, perhaps my favorite of all. I don't do the decorating and prep that I used to do, but I still love it, and still adore waiting for the lovely princesses and scary monsters and superheros that come to my door with their big eyes and hands out for Tricks or Treats!

I love the holiday, but there is a bittersweetness to it that makes me pause, because the next day is the kickoff to the National Adoption Awareness Month. Jane Edwards at Firstmother Forum has a really good history of the co opting of this month by the Adoption Industry, and it is well worth the read. You can find it here....Halloween ushers in National Adoption Awareness Month.

Since I live in S. Texas, Halloween has always had a sort of special significance, because not only is it the funnest holiday EVER, it is also the prequel to the Mexican holiday, Dia de los Muertos on Nov. 1. That is the day to honor and remember and celebrate our loved ones who are deceased. Here in S. Texas, the sugar masks, the altar items are for sale on the street corner and in the malls, Dia de los Muertos items all over the place. They are bright, colorful, playful and happy, a refreshing attitude toward deceased loved ones, I feel.
.

I have always thought it ironic that the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month is on Dia de los Muertos. Adoption, legally, is the legal death of the child to its natural family, "as if dead to", and the legal rebirth or "as if born to" the adoptive family. The mothers, however, are never reborn. Adoption Surrender, many mothers will tell you, is for them the death of a part of the soul of the mothers. It is a walling off, a sealing of the psyche, the symbolic death of the woman that the girl was intended to become. It is a living death, of the child to the mother and the person the mother was before she gave birth.

Dia de los Muertos is important to the Hispanic people where I live in S. Texas. The San Antonio area is a heavily Hispanic area, very rich in Hispanic traditions, some of which I have learned to appreciate and love, including this one.

Behind each and every one of the 6 million adoptees in the United States today, there is a mother whose rights were terminated in order that the child be adopted. Some of the mothers had little choice and their rights were terminated against their will, due to issues of poverty, neglect or abuse. But, the far greater numbers of mothers are women who signed their child's Surrender documents because their backs were against the wall and they had no other options.

These Mothers didn't wish to sign their children away for adoption. They wanted to parent their children, be the ones who claimed the right as parents and changed their poopy diapers, kissed their boo boos, tucked them in at night, saw the first tooth, the first step, the first bicycle, the first date and taught them how to drive. They would have loved to send their children off for their first day of school, to their first haircut, and listened to them whisper to their friends about their first kiss. These mothers, mothers like me, were denied this for our firstborn children. I, like millions of other women, was deemed by our society unfit to parent, before we had ever committed a crime. We were unfit due to the fact that we had sex outside of marriage and for that crime, that heinous act, we paid the unthinkable pr of the loss of our firstborn, never to be seen or heard from again.

We were told to go home, forget, get on with our lives, and that someday we could have children, "of our own" that we could keep...unless we failed to sign the papers and then we would become a part of the "system" and all our other children from that time on would be suspect and removed, even in marriage. We believed them, rightfully, because we knew that they meant business. We KNEW that we had no rights of our own, as women, except those conferred upon us by the men in our lives, our owners, our fathers and husbands.

Much is changed now. Women DO have rights and they have been tested in the courts. The Civil Rights Era not only restored many rights to black Americans, but to Female Americans, too.

I propose that November 1, for mothers of adoption loss, be given a new designation in our community....the first day of November, the start of Adoption Awareness Month begin, like Adoption itself does, with the mothers. Perhaps in future, National Adoption Awareness Month will not only end with National Strange and Mournful Day, but begin with Dia de los Madres, the forgotten, dismissed, inconvenient and disrespected mothers. It will be a reminder, this month and all month long to REMEMBER THE MOTHERS....LA DIA DE LOS MADRES!!

Birth Certificate Lunacy

2011-10-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

Today, the Supreme Court of the US declined to take up an issue of the right of two gay men to both be listed on the birth certificate of their adopted child.

The US Supreme Court has declined to hear an appeal of an April ruling by the US Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals that dismissed a lawsuit brought by a gay couple seeking a proper birth certificate for the Louisiana-born child they jointly adopted in New York.

The court’s action, announced October 11 without comment, lets stand a decision by the Louisiana registrar of birth certificates, Darlene Smith, who refused to issue a new birth certificate for a child born there and legally adopted by Mickey Smith and Oren Adar at the age of five. Following instructions from the state attorney general, Smith argued Louisiana does not allow adoptions by unmarried couples and should not be required to do anything that could be construed as allowing a same-sex couple to adopt –– or have any kind of legal status at all.

To the LGBT community this, I am sure, seems like a terrible injustice that their child's birth certificate cannot be the same as every other adopted child....a LIE. The state of LA was willing to list only one of the men, but not both. They thought that would be more normal? Hello! How many children do you know that are born without a MOTHER? Science has come a long way in the past 50 years, but not quite THAT far, I don't think.

For the adoption community, it simply points out the insanity that is the Amended Birth Certificate. To take a Vital Public Record and remove the names of the people who actually BIRTH the child, and plug in, instead, the names of people who may not have even been on the same continent at the time of the child's birth and swear under oath that they actually did give birth to the child is among the craziness of adoption today. A lie is a lie is a lie.

As science advances, and reproductive technology becomes more mainstream, it becomes more and more apparent what a travesty this whole thing is. I am often reminded of my grandmother who was full of homespun wisdom that she would gladly share with us. One of her favorites was, "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive?" This issue with the birth certificate is a perfect example!

Since the birth certificate is a Vital Public Record, filed with the county and sent to the state and complied and then on to the feds, it should be no less important that the information be accurate for these children than for any other child born in this country. The names on the birth certificate, as the women of SMAAC have advocated for years now, should BE the names of the mother and father who actually did give birth to the child. No secrets, no lies, the simple truth. Then, an amendment can be added to the bottom or the back side of the birth certificate indicating that the child has been adopted and fill in the names of the adoptive parents. With 2% of the population carrying one of these documents, the school registrars, the day care center, and the Little League would not be shocked to find out that Mr, and Mr./Mrs/Ms SoandSo did not actually give birth to the child, but adopted, I know for a fact, having been a Registrar for many years, that there are few things that surprise a Registrar and very few of them give a damn! They just want to get the kid in school, get them on the attendance rolls so that the school can get their stipend from the state. That's all.

Repeal the laws that mandate the falsification of Vital Public Records and end this mockery once and for all. Healthy lives are not built on lies, lies, lies and that is what the Amended Birth Certificate is...a Legalized Lie.

Motherhood Deleted: They're There! Where's The Media?

2011-09-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Motherhood Deleted: They're There! Where's The Media?

2011 Adoptee Rights Demonstration, San Antonio, TX

2011-08-12T16:13:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Dad

2011-08-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today, August 5, is my father's birthday. If he were alive he would be 85 years old. Instead he died 26 years ago, leaving my brother and sisters without parents.. Even though only my youngest sister was still at home, all of us ended up orphaned. We miss you, Dad. So many memories, so many thoughts on this day of birthdays in the past when you went out for ice cream with your birthday "twin", Joey, at cake, listened to us sing Happy Birthday with a gusto that, hopefully, made up for the tunelessness.

As I think of my father, I remember my grandmother telling me that one of my father's teachers told her that my father was the "nicest boy she ever taught" in school. He was nice. He was basically a moral, ethical and just plain nice perosn. He had an outrageous sense of humor and we would all collapse in fits of giggles over stories he told, over he and my mother and stories about him. He was funny, handsome, bright, nice and exciting. I am pretty sure that it is from him that I learned to love the thrill of the unknown, the unexpected, the new, the the living on the edge. It was from my mother that I learned to do it with a certain amount of grace and beauty, but the thrill was from Dad.

My father was the youngest alderman in the history of the state of Illinois. He was 20 years old when he was elected and 21 when he took office. He hadn't learned how to play the "game" yet, however, and when his youthful zeal and enthusiasm and just plain naivete worked to his disadvantage and he was a one term alderman. He lost his zest for politics then but not his interest. I was born during his short-lived political "career" and don't remember it, but I know that as an infant and young child I was in Who's Who in Illinois.

I remember when my brother was born and when all my sisters were. I remember where we lived, my family and friends as well as my parent's friends. I remember the different jobs my father had and even the few my mother did. I remember my childhood. I remember my parents, my Dad, and I miss them.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you.

Protecting WHAT!!

2011-06-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

During the past week or so there has been a LOT of talk online about the pending legislation in MO, that has passed in both houses and is awaiting amendments to go on to the next step, RI that seems to have passed a good, clean bill without much ado and finally, NJ, where the bill passed in both houses, but sat for 45 days on Gov. Chris Christie's desk before he issued a "conditional veto", and as always his "reason" was to blame the mothers "anonymity guarantee".

"The decision of any biological parent to seek adoptive parents for a child is an enormously complicated choice, and the protections of anonymity can be a significant consideration when choosing adoption," Christie said in a statement."

Curiously, there has NOT been a slowdown or even a blip in the number of reunions that are happening today. Just this past weekend, on Facebook, I got no less than 3 separate stories about adoptees reuniting with their natural families. In fact, it almost seems that reunion is on the upswing.

For the past 20 or so years, almost all adoptions that have taken place have been open.   Even the adoptions that close or are closed from the outset and not like the closed adoptions of the past. The mothers have a name, the adopters have a name and there is some measure of contact before and during the adoption process and after. Today's adoptions are almost the antithesis of the secretive, shame-based and covert affairs of the EMS/BSE.

During the Closed Adoption era, prior to the passage of Roe v. Wade, the mothers went away from home, had their babies, the social workers whisked the babies away immediately or very soon after birth and the mothers had little or no interaction with their own children, and none that wasn't closely monitored. Today's relinquishing mothers choose their children's adopters, interact with them during the pregnancy and even meet and have them present during the labor and delivery.   There is almost NONE of the terrible not knowing upon which the EMS/BSE was predicated, and yet, the records remain sealed, the birth certificates are changed, and some adoptive parents are STILL not telling their adopted child that they are adopted, preferring lies and fantasy to the truth.

All of the above makes Governor Christies' comments about the mother's anonymity rather specious. It is FACT that over 90% of the women who surrendered children to adoption wish to know the outcomes for their child. It is FACT that anonymity from our children was not something we sought, but rather had forced upon us.   It is FACT that many mothers were assured that when their children came of age, they would be permitted to get the necessary information to locate their mothers and that the laws changed AFTER their surrenders, so that according to the laws of the time of their surrender, they could seasonably expect their children to find them. I was told that my son would be able to get that information and made sure over the years to keep my file updated and the Consent to Contact up to date.

As I considered some of the comments I read on the Conditional Veto, one comment in particular connected with me. Someone stated that despite not having a name there are thousands and thousands of reunions every year. Since adult access to identifying information in the form of  the original birth certificate is what is being ruled upon, this statement underscored an interesting (to me) discrepancy. Despite the specious government assertion, supported by adoption "experts" and activists for increasing adoption, and contrary to the assertions of the mothers and adoptees who have loudly denied and proven that there is not nor ever was, any promise, written or implied, of perpetual anonymity, one has to wonder what anonymity they are so desperately attempting to protect.

The records and the original birth certificates were sealed at the behest of the adopters. They were sealed for various reasons, not the least of which was out of fear that THE NATURAL MOTHERS WOULD COME FOR THEIR BABIES. I have heard numerous tales from adopted adults whose evening routine included being tucked in bed at night, not with visions of sugarplums, but with whispered allusions to the big bad boogie Mommy creeping in at night to steal the child away!

That said, and as insane as it is, I suddenly realized that I don't believe for a second that the records remain sealed to protect the adopters of the adopted adults today any more than I believe they remain sealed to protect the natural mothers Nor have I ever believed that the records are sealed to protect the now grown up babies. I believe, contrary to their statements, that the records remain sealed TO PROTECT THE INFORMATION THAT IS IN THE RECORDS THEMSELVES!

Adoption agencies and workers have, for years, quietly distanced themselves from the tactics of the BSE/EMS stating in whispers, softly, where no one can hear, that "bad things happened" back then, as if they don't now. They would read the records as they sorted through them to grudgingly send copies to the natural mothers who invoked their HIPAA rights to their own medical records, and apologetically assured the mothers that "things are different now". They have the records. They have read through the records. They KNOW what is in there, and THAT is what they are protecting!

With the push since the late 1970's for the opening of the sealed birth certificates and the requests of the mothers and the adopted adults for more access to records, the keepers of the records and those in control of them have to have had a watchful eye on the happenings in Australia, where the records were opened to the mothers and the adopted adults for several decades, and the United Kingdom where records were opened in the late 1970's. They have to have noticed that in Australia there is national inquiry in progress and recently there has been tremendous outrage over the treatment of some women, such as the women incarcerated in the Magdalene Laundries, as those details have come to light.

One cannot litigate without evidence. Testimony only counts so far. If there is no evidence, there is no crime. We cannot PROVE the allegations that we make, and we cannot get the proof, because they are sealed in the sealed adoption files. As the anonymity of the Internet allowed shame-filled and trepidatious women to safely talk of what happened to them years before, increasing their awareness and their anger levels as they recognized the injustice, so too will the opening of records, the OBC opening create another Pandora's box and the powers that be do NOT want them exposed to the light of day.

For decades, Mothers have been stating that the do NOT want to be protected from our children. We have said that we want to speak on our own behalf and not allow the voices of the people whose living depends on the separation of mothers from their babies for surrender to adoption, as they do now, as Adam Pertman, of Evan B. Donaldson and William Pierce and Tom Atwood of the NCFA do. We have said that criminal practices had been used against us to take our babies. The proof lies in the records, and since the mothers are alive still so are the perpetrators of the crimes.

If seeking justice for the children who were abused by the predatory pedophile priests caused a ripple, justice for BSE mothers would be a tsunami! Bottom line....no legislator gives a crap about any of the principle parties to adoption; not the adopters, not the babies, not the natural mothers. They care about the bottom line, protecting the businesses that adoption are from the fallout from their own deceptive practices, that were industry wide and an integral part of their day to day business. I am sure that there WERE indeed, promises of anonymity made...by legislators, to the adoption industry.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

2011-06-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

MY DAD

My father, to the best of my knowledge, still owns the distinction of being the youngest alderman ever elected in the state of Illinois. He was 20 when elected and 21 when he took office. He was quite a guy, my Dad. Charming, handsome, charismatic, he won the heart of my mother and the people who met him were instantly drawn in by his honesty, integrity and sincerity. One of his teachers told my Grandmother that he was the nicest boy she ever had in her class.

I miss my Dad. There are many things I would still love to talk to him about, not the least of which is the loss of my son. I love you, Dad, but we really need to talk....

Family Circles

2011-06-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

By nature, I am a night owl, but since my husband is an early riser,  most nights I am in bed with him by 10 or 10:30. Last night, however, due to some more of the same old, same old online chatter, I was on my home phone with one of my Mom Friends "discussing" these recurring "happenings". At about 10:45, my cell phone rang, unusual since my family and friends are aware of my altered routine and normally don't call after 10. And, since we live in a valley where cell phone service is sporadic, at best, often it doesn't even ring at home, and I only discover I missed a call when I see that see it on my messages.

However, this time it rang, at 10:45 p.m., and I saw that it was my younger son, David.  I had spoken to him just a few hours earlier as he and his wife were putting their 2 year old daughter,  down for the night after a horrifically busy weekend. I quickly ended my call with my friend and listened as my son told me that he was following the ambulance that was carrying his wife and daughter to the Emergency Room because the baby had a first-ever seizure! He was beside naturally beside himself with worry because this was his only child, his precious daughter, who when he travels tell her Mommy, when she tucks her in, in her so-sweet, baby-voice, that she wants to "Cuddow, Daddy" (Cuddle with Daddy for those who don't understand her particular brand of baby-speak).

He told me about how he had been alone in the house with her, as his wife had run across the street to her sister's home and he was watching TV in the bedroom. He heard an odd noise on the monitor, but almost dismissed it, thinking it was probably just a baby night-noise. However, just to be safe, he went down the hall to check on her. What he found was his daughter, with her back arched, blue in the face, not breathing, in a full blown seizure. He scooped her up in his arms, ran across the street to his wife, who just graduated last month as an RN, and they called 911.

He seemed embarrassed that he and his wife had panicked, but I thought it entirely natural that they did, considering the circumstances.   He told me, with horror in his voice, "Mom, what if I hadn't gone to her. She could have died!" It is one thing to be totally prepared to handle medical emergencies, even a medical professional when it is someone about whom you can be objective, but when it is your own precious child, the objectivity goes right out the window. I think they did an amazing job! They may not have been bricks, but they got the job done. They can forgive themselves their panic as they continue to get their daughter the help she needs and then get her well.

As David was talking, and I was trying to calm him, my mind drifted back to a day when he himself, this frantic father on the phone with me, was 3 days old and sleeping in a bassinet on the dresser in our master bedroom so that I could easily get to him to nurse him in the middle of the night. My cousin's baby, 4 months old, had recently died of SIDS, and we were all very conscious of sleeping babes in our family at that time.

No crying baby, no sound, no change that I was aware of caused me to awaken that night, but I did.  I lay there for a moment, listening, but heard nothing. However, as did David 36 years later, I got up and went across the room to check on him. What I found was a baby I had lain on his stomach (the conventional wisdom of the day for safe baby sleeping positioning) a few hours earlier, still on his stomach, but with his arms stiffly holding him off the mattress, his head thrown back so he was almost U-shaped, blue in the face and not breathing.  He was silently choking to death.  Not sure what to do, I picked him up by his feet, held him upside down, and slapped him on the back. Immediately a huge glob of "stuff" came flying out of his mouth. It looked like phlegm, but was actually, apparently, amniotic fluid that had not been expelled and had thickened and he was, truly, choking to death.

My uncle was our pediatrician and I had his home phone number. I called him and told him what had happened, thinking that I would have to take David to the hospital or something. What he told me, however, was even worse considering my cousin's baby. He said that David was a potential SIDS baby, and that my husband and I should take turns staying up with David while he slept, to insure that he was okay. That was in the days before the baby monitors and the electronic gadgets that are available now, so that was the only option. My husband worked a physically exhausting job outside, summer and winter, and I was home with my 3-year old older son. So, since I wasn't working at a job, and was the Mommy, it was ALWAYS my turn.

For the next 8 months, I would stay up all night, with David in a port-a-crib next to me, reading, watching TV, ironing, sewing, anything to stay awake. Then, in the morning, I would get my husband off to work, get my 3-year old up and dressed, fed and ready to entertain for the day. I would have dinner ready for my husband when he got home and then I would go to sleep for a few hours until it was time for him to go to bed, only to begin the process again, over and over.

Finally, one day I was so tired, so totally exhausted from the care of my toddler, the night watch of my infant, and the care of the house and my husband, that in desperation, I called my uncle, the pediatrician, and begged him to hospitalize David for a night so that I could go to sleep, just for one night, just for a few hours. I was so exhausted and so terrified that I would doze off at the exact second that my son would begin to choke...to death this time...because I was too tired to awaken and save him. My uncle listened to me and when I finished sobbing, begging him so that I could get some sleep, he answered me, surprised, "Oh, are you still doing that? You don't need to do that any more, He is fine." I hung up the phone, waited for my husband to come home from work and went to bed for 3 days!

As I listened to David's words, "...what if I hadn't gone to her. She could have died!"...it all came back to me. What if I hadn't gone to him? What if something hadn't wakened me? What if he had died? Life had gone full circle, and this infant that had so terrified me with the possibility that he could die, now was terrified himself that his beloved child could die. The wheel of life had turned a full revolution and would someday turn again, and this granddaughter, the beautiful child of my beautiful child would likely someday be a mother and herself be in a panic over her own child, as her Daddy was now, and as her Daddy's Mommy, me, had been in my turn.

Later, in bed, as I lay there thinking about all this, I thought about adoption, and about the son who was lost to me for so many years. I thought about the wheel of life, turning, turning, turning, and how we gain awareness a gradual awareness of the importance of events in our lives.

I thought about how after we delivered our babies alone during the BSE/EMS, when they took them for adoption, we were told to go home and forget about them and have children and a family of "our own" and how I and other mothers like me tried so hard to do that, but always, always, always in the back of our minds we wondered about the ones that were not there. We thought about them waking in the night, of their lives being in danger, of their boo boos, of them choking as babies and breaking bones as children, or in accidents as young adults. Always we thought of them, whether consciously or unconsciously, they were there. Their loss was felt.

I thought about how, as I was coming home from my daughter's house a few weeks ago, one of the wheels on my little red Jeep Wrangler fell off as I was driving. I was driving along at about 30 mph in town, almost to the freeway where I would reach 70 or more heading home, and someone who had decided that they needed my lug nuts more than I did had removed some, throwing off the balance in the wheel and eventually breaking the ones off that remained and losing the entire wheel. I thought of the damage that had done to my Jeep, the brakes, the lugs, the wheel itself. Before I could drive my little Jeep again there would have to be some major work done.

I saw that the damage done to my car by someone removing an integral part, almost destroyed my car. Essentially it was like a wheel with a spoke missing. My family was a circle with a member missing...a wheel without a spoke. My son missing almost destroyed me and affected every single aspect of my life from then on, throwing the balance of my life off just as the missing lug nuts did the wheel of my car.

I could remember, last night as I spoke to David, and today as I await his call to tell me that his daughter is okay, the results of the test they took last night, the next steps that need to be taken, the medical plan to treat whatever it is that happened, or to calm our fears saying it was simply because she was overtired, a little dehydrated, two, overstimulated or something and that it was simply a fluke and will likely never happen again that many, many times, when my mind would allow itself to drift to my lost child, those same anxieties would arise on his behalf. Soon, we will know something about my granddaughter's condition, even if not enough or soon enough. We will know what to do, how to act, how to plan, how to martial our forces to fight a good fight on behalf of this beloved child, or we will know that we can lay down our arms and relax. We will know, and if not immediately, at least soon.

With our lost children, however, we believed that we would NEVER know. When those demon questions would enter our minds, when our other children were hurt or ill, or it was near the time of a birthday or holiday, or we were washing our hair or taking a shower, or just watching television, often the thought would occur and we would have to quickly squelch it before it overwhelmed us....WE DID NOT KNOW, but neither did we forget... we limped along with a spoke missing from our wheel of life, like the wheel on my Jeep, in the week or so before it fell off, damaged, compensating, doing the best we could, but not whole, not right, not perfect, compensating and adapting, until we finally cannot take it anymore, and we search, hopefully we find, usually we spend long amounts of time waiting, so we can KNOW. It is always better to KNOW, I think.

NZ ADOPTEE'S HORRIFIC ATTACKS ON MUM

2011-06-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

In my Google alerts yesterday there was one that caught my eye. The headline screameed off the page at me "Adoptee's 'horrific' attacks on mum"! I posted the link on Facebook and on Craig's List in the Adoption Forum. The comments were interesting, to say the least. It was horrible, it was ghastly, it was everyone's nightmare, but it happened, it has happened to others in the past and will happen in the future. It is ugly but it is important to talk about it. The only way to defuse situations like this is to shine the light of truth on them.

I am pretty sure tht there is not one person who is either reunited or contemplating reunion who has not either been warned about "opening that can of worms", or people asking if we "really want to open that all up again" as if by not talking about it, by not discussing it, it somehow doesn't exist. Yeah, that worked so well for the mothers of the BSE....NOT!!!

We ARE the ones who need to talk about these situations. We are the ONLY ones who should be bringing it up, since we are the ones who are most affected by it. By pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it disappear from people's minds or their memories. I read it in a google alert. It was in the newspaper in New Zealand (this is just the most recent...there are plenty of these in the US, and in other countries where Adoption is done in secrets and lies). It has been in the newspapers, onthe radio, on the news, on television, in popular tv dramas, and it is the stuff of urban legends. It has just the appropriate amount of shock value and "ick factor" to make the headlines. And, legislators read the papers, watch tv, listen to the news and even have google alerts. They know. By not talking about it all we do is reinforce the impact.

We need to seek these stories out. They are thankfully rare and it is not the norm. However, when they crop up, it seems to me that it is up to us to talk about them in public places to remove the stigma. It is NOT this woman's fault that her son abused and raped her. It is not GSA (Genetic Sexual Attractions) any more than regular rape is sexual. It is, the same as rape of any kind, the exertion of power and control over another. It is punishment. It is abnormal. It is reprehensible and nothing, nothing, nothing this woman did at any time in her life, including surrendering her child for adoption, warrants this kind of behavior in return.

Rather than discusing this being a sexual crime against the mother, GSA, and run to "protect" mothers' pivacy from their lost children, how about discussing the possiblity that this was an abused child becoming the abuser. Abuse is not born in. It is learned behavior. How was this child taught to hold women in such contempt? What was he taught about the woman who gave birth to him? How was he trained? Who abused HIM? Those are the true questions that should be asked. These are the questions that legislators, adoption professionals, potentially surrendering mothers, prospective adoptive parents and anyone touched by adoption SHOULD be asking and these are some of the lessons that should be learned from this. Not how to continue hiding, or how to maintain privacy, but how to educate mothers and adopted adults on some of the issues surrounding the relinqusihment, the impact the BSE/EMS had on adoption laws and adoption perceptions.

This is also the EXACT REASON WHY AN INVESTIGATION NEEDS TO BE HELD INTO THE ERA OF MASS SURRENDER AKA THE BABY SCOOP ERA. Education is our best weapon. Educating the public to the things that happened during that time, the time in history with the highest percentage of surrenders in history and the largest numbers of infants ever made available for adoption. We can only tell the truth, tell our stories and make the public acknowledge it so that it becomes publicly common knowledge. The investigations would be a huge help and holding those accountable for the abuses would go a very long way towards accomplishing that.

Don't allow these things to be swept aside! Don't premit the industry to guide the discussion by forcing more shame on these crimes. The crime occurred way before this young man raped his mother. It happened when he was being raised by those who were supposed to be so superior to his natural mother to raise him. Hold THEM accountable!

It's a Jolly Holiday!

2011-05-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

The day I left on my trip was the day of my great grandson's first birthday. I knew that I wouldn't make it for his birthday, but I would be there very shortly after. And, by arriving on Sunday, I would be there on the next day, Monday. Normally, a Sunday, Monday visit is not standard, but this Monday was special. It was April 18th and that is my son's birthday. When he came to see me on Monday morning, it was the first time we shared his birthday since the day he was born, his birth day. That is a day that almost all the mothers that I know dream of sharing with their lost children, the day that is theirs alone. One that, no matter what, is special and unique to THEM, and no one else. That was how I felt as I sat on the bed in the hotel next to my son as we looked at pictures and talked to my friend on the next bed. I was accutely aware of the fact that there were thousands of mothers that I had dealt with, talked to, emailed and posted to over the years on whose behalf I had to weigh every single emotion, every nuance of gesture and speech. I had to feel this moment, I believed, on behalf of every other mother I had encountered and I did. But, more than that, I loved every single nanosecond for ME! I know that my son was feeling it, too.

The next weekend was Easter Sunday.   I had intended to go to my cousin's house, since my sister had planned on going to her husband's family and my friend was doing her family/church thing. I knew that I was welcome at either, but figured that it would be good to see other family at my cousin's home.

Then, the plans changed. My sister's mother in law made some other plans and my sister and her husband decided to go to his sister's house for Easter....in the same city as my son. My brother and his wife, who live in Wisconsin, were also going to be in town visiting her mother, so we made plans to meet after for coffee and dessert. I called my son and he and his girlfriend joined us. It was Easter Sunday, and I spent it with my son. We spent hours and hours talking over coffee and pie, watching group after group come and go. There was not enough time, not enough hours for me to get my fill.

After we paid and were walking to our separate cars to go to our separate homes, my son hugged his Aunts and Uncles and gave me a hug and kiss and said, "Thank you. I have never felt so comfortable with a group of people in my entire life. I love you, Mom." Those words are engraved on my mind, etched in bronze on my memory banks.

He was right, too. The conversation flowed as any family meeting with shared stories, love, laughter and conversation.  There was an ease and a familiarity that comes from folks who are comfortable in one another's presence and genuinely like one another. It was obvious that he was with his kin, because he sat next to my brother, his uncle, and it was like looking at an age progression. They even have the same beards!

The most special thing about it all was that not only was it a day with my son, but a HOLIDAY with my son! It is really sort of sad that adoption causes the kind of disruptions that a mother is so accutely aware of the significance of every single moment, but there it is. I am, I was, and so was he. I could see it in his eyes. He was home with us, with me and mine. He was at ease in a way I don't know if he has ever felt before. And, I was at ease with him, as was the rest of my family.

Due to problems with the train (another post!) I left to go home on Saturday before Mother's Day. My children have pointed out to me (usually when they didn't get me a card ) that Mother's Day is a Hallmark Holiday, created by the greeting card industry so that they could increase business. I don't care. I am a mother and I love Mother's Day. It is special....to me. Usually they didn't forget the card or call the next year....lol.   However, never, ever had I gotten a call from my lost son on Mother's Day, or a card or anything. I understood that it would be a tough thing for him to do on that day in particular.

However, I underestimated the power of this visit, I think. This year, I got the call, got the text messages and I got a silly little naughty jingle thanking Mom for having sex! I have been active for years in forums and on groups and message boards related to adoption. I have been in conversations with people, usually adopters, who have become increasingly frustrated and angry with me for quietly stating my truth. Ultimately and predictably, their parting thrust when they have reached their maximum frustration is almost an inevitable, "Well, you chose to spread your legs!" or have sex. And, here, my son, my beloved first born was thanking me for something that led to his conception and birth! I know he felt a little naughty sending it, but the irony of the situation did not escape my notice!

I am now able to state that this year I shared his birthday, his Easter and Mother's Day wishes with my son. It was good! It was wonderful! It was magical and i will never, ever forget it!

The Journey....

2011-05-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

On April 14th, I boarded a train heading north. I was going back to the city of my birth, the city in which I met the father of my son, and to which I returned after my son was born and lost to me through adoption. I have gone back there before, but this time was different. This time it was different because this time I was different. I was going back following my own best instincts rather than listening to the "experts" who knew how adoption reunion was supposed to be done, and the same "experts" to whom I had listened for decades..

In the early days of my reunion, when I was gasping for air due to the pain of the loss coming back to flood me and overwhelm my senses with unresolved grief, their advice was helpful. The experts told me to let my son lead the way, let him determine the pace, and always, always, always let him be the child and me the adult, the loving parent. Sounds like an easy task for someone who has parented 5 other children to adulthood and knows what that means. Yeah, not so much….

For 20 years my son appeared and disappeared from my life. He would disappear for years at a time, and then, one day, out of the blue, as if he had never pulled back, he would call. We would talk for hours, days and he would tell me how much he loves me, how much he missed being my child, how desperate he was for contact and, over the next few days or weeks, our conversations would gradually ramp up in intensity. Then, they would stop cold. No phone calls, no text messages, no letters, no contact of any kind. I would call and leave a message, and another. Then I would drop a card in the mail, telling him how that I was thinking about him. I would sign it “Love, Me”, never Mom, even though that is what he called me from the outset.

Another year, or two would pass, I would converse with his ex wife, and the mother of his children, or his ex-girlfriend, another adoptee who I like very much and am helping with her own reunion, a very difficult and painful thing for her. I would see the children on Facebook since they are both my “friends” and I could leave little comments on what they are doing and stay informed about them that non-threatening way.

However, a year ago, something changed. A year and a little bit ago, my granddaughter, the granddaughter who was 3 days old when my son and I reunited initially, gave birth to her own first son. I was a great grandmother. I had never met my granddaughter in person, nor my grandsons, and suddenly another generation was started and I wouldn’t know that one from the outset either. I couldn’t let another generation be lost entirely to my family, to my children, all of my children. I had to do what I had to do.

I contacted the mother of my grandchildren and my son’s ex-girlfriend, and told them that I was coming by train, that I would arrive on the weekend and that I would love to see them, meet them and put a face to their names, not a picture, but their loving, living faces. They both agreed and sounded excited. A few weeks before I was to leave, I even spoke to my grandson for the first time. He asked if it was okay to call me Grandma. Was it okay for this precious child, this son of my son, to call me Grandma? Oh, HELL yeah it was okay! It was so far beyond okay that it wasn’t even on the charts any longer!

The night I arrived, Palm Sunday, my ex-daughter in law, her son, my grandson, and my son’s ex-girlfriend came to the hotel to see me. My grandson, a lively little guy who looked so much like his grandfather, my boyfriend, that seeing him the first time took the breath from my lungs, was delighted to find out that the hotel had a pool and my friend would go there with him to swim. He went to the pool, took a shower in our shower, then switched to a bath, then back to the pool, and only stopped to eat the pizza that we had delivered. They stayed for a long time and we had a good conversation. It was WONDERFUL! I know them now. I know what they look like, what they sound like, what their faces look like when they talk. I saw their laughter, their sadness, their empathy and their own pain over things in their lives. I am so very thankful and grateful to them for being so warm, welcoming and open to meeting and sharing time and space with me. I will never, ever forget their kindness. I also met my grandson, who asked, as they were preparing to leave, if it would be okay if he spent the night with Grandma! I wanted to hug myself to death!

The next morning, earlyish, my granddaughter came with her son, my great grandson. She was more guarded and more cautious than my grandson, but she brought my great grandson who is beyond adorable and into the realm of divine! His mother, my granddaughter is gorgeous, as well as caring, patient and loving toward her son. She is, in every way, a very good Mommy and a very good person. Over time, I am sure, our relationship will evolve and grow. I look forward to it. I really like her! It is nice to know that the child of your child is someone you can not only love but like as well, and she is a very likeable young woman.

About an hour after she arrived, there was a knock on the door of the hotel room. It was my son. I had hoped, prayed even that he would be there, but since we have been in a pullback for over a year, it was no telling one way or the other. He wasn’t the major reason that I came, nor the major object of my trip, but in the end, he was the one that I really wanted to spend time with. I did. I spent the entire day with him. I talked to him, I sat with him, I got pictures of him and with him. Over the course of the 3 ½ weeks that I was there, I got pictures of him with my siblings, alone, with his girlfriend and their son, my other adorable and precious grandson, and with my friend, with me, without me, sitting, standing, eating, and doing nothing. I held him. I cried with him. I told him face to face that I loved him. I spent hours in his company. I completely and totally immersed myself in him. It was BLISS!

And, talk…did we talk!!! We discussed his father, my activism, his life and his home and school, his job, his children, his relationships, his siblings, my other children, his childhood, and his youth. And, we talked about his future. I wanted more and more and so did he. It was magical. I kept having to pinch myself to prove that it wasn’t a dream.

Time will tell the outcome and the result of the trip I made, but something is changed in our relationship. I should have done this years ago. I made the trip, but he never quite could make the few miles to come see me. This time, my choice was that I would go to his home or his favorite neighborhood tavern, or he would come see me or I was washing my hands of that generation. I was focusing on the next generation so that they would have the benefit of my family, and another grandmother. No child can have too much love, I don’t think. They are loved from me.

Our relationship is just beginning. I see it continuing forever, since I will be going back with more frequency in the future. I know them now and I know what I face. I also know that I am welcome there. I am grateful. I am happy. Maybe, just maybe we are finally getting things right. I hope so.

More on this later…..

Enough Said....

2011-05-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

San Antonio Adoptee and Mothers March for Right and Justice, August, 2011, An Invitation and a Request

2011-04-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I would love it if all the adopted adults and all the mothers of loss would come to my home city, San Antonio, Texas, in August this year to let the State Legislators of all the states in the nation who are here for the National Convention of State Legislators, the guys who make the laws in each state, know how we feel. Consider this an official invitation to come visit my hometown. We will make you feel welcome! Seems fitting to me, in a higher sense, that the fight for rights and justice for the least powerful members of the adoption community should hold their gathering in the Cradle of Texas Liberty, the home of the Alamo!

This year there is an unpecedented coming together for the adoptee rights march, in that SMAAC, Senior Mothers Adoption Activist Coalition, is going to be partnering with the Adoptee Rights Group. I am so proud and grateful to be a part of this.

With any great cause there are great responsibilities. One of the responsibilities is the cost of doing business. I would love it if this was a freebie but unfortunately that isn't so. There are expense that cannot be avoided. If you are coming to the march, this will make it possible to do the things that must be done. There are costs for pemits, the booth and supplies. Posters, banners, flyers, booth space (VERY pricey!) and the like are all expenses that have to be paid for. As in everything, it is a Pay To Play thing.

If you cannot join us in August in San Antonio, this is your chance to suport those who are here, marching on your behalf. Mothers, Adoptees, Adoptive Parents, anyone who is touched by adoption and believes in equality for adoptees and justice for mothers, please go to the Adoptee Rights March Official Page and make your donation. $20.00, a fair share, from all of the people who believe in this mission should take care of all the expenses into "infinity and beyond", in the immortal words of Buzz Lightyear! There is a link on the page on the right side, that allows donations. I urge you to put your money down in support of the Rights and Justice!

Friends and Family

2011-03-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

This week, my brother and his wife, my dear sister-in-law of 36 years, came to visit. It has been some time since I have seen them since they live 1600 miles away, and, even though we speak regularly on the phone, and I visit them on Facebook and via pictures, they are, as am I, older than the picture we carry in our minds eye. Now, Greg looks like a cross between my mother's brothers and my Dad. I seem them all in his beloved face. I look at Joyce and see the blushing bride from her wedding day, and the dear and much loved friend whose house I would walk to when cabin fever struck because I knew she would always be happy to see me. I love my sister in law. I love my brother. They are my family, along with my two sisters, and my husband and children, grandchildren, neices and nephews. They are the family that share my blood and my DNA, and share my life.

I am also a woman who is blessed with friends. I have old friends with whom I have remained in contact since the Third Grade, middle school and high school. That is no small feat when one considers that due to my father's job in sales, I started a new school almost every single year, all over the midwest and southeastern United States.

I have some wonderful, cherished friends that I have met online, and come to know in real life who are absolutely integral to my day. They are people whose opinion I value, sometimes more than anyone else's. I turn to them for advice, for support, for ideas and for a kick in the pants. I love these women. There is no question that they are my true and dearly loved friends.

I have friends who I know that if I pick up the phone, even after a long, long time, they will be delighted to hear my voice and will pick up the conversation exactly where we left it. There is no recrimination, no apology, no expectations except that they love me and I love them just as we are. We enjoy our private jokes that never get old, our stories that ever get retold and our friendship that is old and valued.

I am a very fortunate woman. I know that. I know that there are people who go through life and have no close friends and recently read where friendship is something of a lost art in the United States. I am not so sure that is true. But, I think that it is possible, and that may be because we have tried to blur the lines between friendship and family.

My family is my family. My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, brother, sisters, children, grandparents, grandchildren, all my family is my family. Some of them are my friends, too, but they are ALWAYS my family. We share much more than DNA. We share blood, heritage, lineage, and they are a given. Friends come and friends go, even the friendships in family. But, the link of family is enternal. I know that 1,000,000 years from now, a future Archaeologist or Anthropologist will be able to dig up my bones, and those of my Sister in IL, my daughter in the next county, my neice across the nation and know, beyond a doubt, that there was a close lineage there. I also know that the friends of my heart, no matter how dear, will not be connected to me when they are digging up our bones.

Recently, I have seen people state that your family is what you make it, that it is the ones you choose as family that matter the most. I have to disagree. The idea of creating family from friends is not something I can get on board with. Family is the foundation of our society. The buzzword of the last Presidential campaign was family values. That is the basic unit of our society, not only the ideal but the core.

Family matters, So do friends. Sometimes they overlap and the lines that delineate the two are blurred until they are almost impossible to discern. But, they exist. I love my friends and sometimes am outraged at my family. But, at the end of the day, when I see my mother in my sister, or daughter, and my dad and my uncle in my brother, or my Gram in my grandson, I know the difference. I do.

AntiChoice Plates in Texas!

2011-03-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today, the Austin Statesman, along with other Texas newspapers, announced with great glee the approval of the Senate for Choose Life plates. joining 24 other states with these blatantly one-sided license plates pandering to the religious right. I urge you to join me in commenting there, but boy, does this piss me off! Texas has a $20+ billion deficit and this is what they choose to waste time, effort and money on?! Please! They are preparing to lay off 1/3 of all the teachers in Texas, and they want to bring more babies to adoption? WTF is wrong with this picture?

Unless they are also considering "ProChoice and Proud", with the revenues designated to be used to counsel and assist the mothers who want to parent their own child, but are so desperate due to a temporary situation, like the loss of a job, a devastating family illness or some other temporary situation, that they are forced to consider adoption as an option, this is a total injustice. With 40 couples for every baby available, adoption hardly needs promotion. And, it is coercive by nature to encourage a woman to surrender her own flesh and blood.

With a less than 1% mortality rate for mothers who abort during the first trimester, but a mortality rate that has increased in the past 8 years by over 40%, they are hardly equally risky. And, maternal mortality rates are on the RISE in the US, not on the decline, as in other first world nations.

Perhaps it would be better to use the money raised from these plates to launch an awareness campaign to really convince people to Choose Life. How about encouraging them to have their children when they are still fertile instead of putting everything else ahead of their biological clock. Since we know that 85% of women who adopt are infertile, if they had not put off childbirth until their eggs aged out, they would actually have been "choosing life" instead of education, career, cars, homes, travel, wardrobe, parties, lavish lifestyle until they had raised their families. Instead, women (and men) have been convinced that they should put off childbearing until ALL those things are in order, and then, by the time they get around to "Choose Life", their eggs have aged out and it is too late, so they have to choose someone else's life, and coerce them into surrendering, with ploys like the unenforceable Open Adoption, that often close as soon as the ink is dry on the adoption finalization.

I noticed that John Carona, the sponsor of this bill, is a father of 5, grandfather of 3 (so far, he coyly states on his Senate page) and listed on the Gladney website as an Honor Roll Donor. One has to wonder what he owes to Gladney.

I urge you to read the comments on the article, write one of your own, contact your state legislator and let's kill this...NOW! It is an insult to every single person who is affected by adoption!

Here are my comments on the article in the Statesman....

"I am strongly opposed to this bill. Adoption is NOT an alternative to abortion, but an alternative to raising the infant that one had already decided months before NOT to abort! Adoption damages the mothers, with lifelong grief and since up to 40% of surrendering mothers suffer secondary infertility, it dooms them to the loss of their only child. The consequences for children is equally dire, with adoptees representing roughly 2% of the total population that figure should carry over into all other areas, but adoptees are over-represented in EVERY area of dysfunction, including prison, therapy, group homes, alcoholics, sometimes by up to 40%!

Unless there is going to be equal funding for women who only consider adoption because of desperation, the vast majority, to help them over the temporary hurdles to parenting, this is unjust, unfair, unequal and inherently coercive. Again, I urge you to vote NO on this bill!

The Death Of Women's Rights In America

2011-03-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

IMPORTANT BLOG BY MOTHERHOODDELETED!!! Thanks for lettting me share this, Robin~

Grab your burkhas, Ladies, and get ready to walk 6 paces behind your man. The reproductive rights of American women are becoming the province of fanatical patriarchs and the Devil no longer wears Prada..He wears Armani.

For every step forward women have taken in the US in the arenas of business, politics, education and the arts in the last century, there are Good Old Boys intent on taking us back to the Middle Ages in matters of sex and childbearing. For those of us whose fertile years are behind us, there is little threat. It is for my daughters, granddaughter and great granddaughter that I am raising the alarm.

There have been those who said that the Tea Party/ Rigid Right/ Christian Fundamentalist contingent are trying to take us back to the 1950's. I contend that the direction is more towards the Dark Ages when women were chattel and Theologians debated the existence of a soul in women. In states across the nation, the right to choose is being eroded by the arrogant and those who want their votes.

Abstinence only is still being preached, even though it is NOT effective and even foolish in concept. Virginity in a woman is a prize and the one getting the prize is not chastised for HIS sexual escapades unless he occupies an elected office. Tinkerbell, Barbie and other little girl heroines are being tarted out to the max. Little girls wear extensions, makeup and prance across a stage teaching them that their worth is in their looks and the use of them. Brittney, Miley, Lindsey, Christine, Beyonce and that audacious Gaga person are the role models for our female youth.

All this creates a perfect atmosphere for the Big Business of adoption. Just think of all those healthy infants being taken from women who are seen as nothing more than glorified breeders. Women who put childbearing on hold and made poor choices that led to infertility will be salivating. (As an aside, there was a story about pregnant women with cancer that noted one of the reasons this was increasing was due to the fact that women were putting off pregnancy until later in life.) The Industry will be opening maternity homes and adoption agencies on every street corner. Hallelujah and pass the court orders!

Here are just a few of the reasons I make this observation:

(1) A GA state representative introduces legislation that would make it mandatory that every miscarriage be investigated and murder charges brought, not excluding the death penalty, if the miscarriage can be traced to any action or lack of action on the part of the mother.

(2) South Dakota comes up with legislation that would reduce the penalty for killing an abortion provider.

(3) States across the nation are being deluged with legislation from the GOP and Tea Party office-holders to restrict the time period during while a woman can seek a legal, medical abortion.

(4)Legislation is introduced requiring a woman to have an ultra-sound done of her weeks-old pregnancy and shown or told the results. This is seen as a deterrent.

(5)Legislation is introduced requiring that a woman seek out and be counseled by "Crisis Pregnancy Centers" before she seeks a safe and legal medical termination. She will be encouraged to carry to term and surrender her child for adoption.

(6)The Republicans want to narrow down the definition of “rape” – by eliminating rape cases involving excessive amount of alcohol or drugs, date rape, and statutory rape, among others (basically, they’re saying: if a woman doesn’t look physically beaten, it wasn’t rape). They’re trying to do this by only counting “forcible rape” as “real rape.” This means women whose rape charges don’t fall under this vague category of “forcible rape” will not be eligible for financial support from the federal government when it comes to abortions. They even suggest that women who are raped not be called "victims."

(7)An OB/GYN in Florida had, a woman who refused bed rest after threatening a miscarriage, committed to the hospital. She had other children to support and a job to hold onto. It wasn't long after that the fetus, already deceased, was delivered by emergency C Section. This one is in the FL Supreme court at this time.

The list is longer than this, but this is enough, I would think, to make any intelligent and competent woman really worry about our future. The sad thing is that I doubt that any of the adherents of the views listed above will even see, if they read this list, how medieval, how oppressive, how patronizing and how ridiculous it reads. I wouldn't put it past them to try to bring back chastity belts for women.

We who managed to benefit, in part from some of the forward movement in the last decade are watching future generations losing all the ground that was gained and then some. We are aging and the huge number of Baby Boomers are more interested in holding on to what's left of their 401Ks and IRAs. I know that I have to turn the television off, divert my attention from the news feeds and retreat into my own life in order to sleep at night.

Yes, I know that I blogged about this two posts back. But I am more alarmed now than when I posted about this the first time. If anyone knows something we can do, who we can talk to, who can help divert this horrendous trend, please speak out. I have sent emails to all my elected officials and to a few that have nothing to do with my district. I am blogging. I am signing petitions. I am noting these things on my Facebook page.

And I have never felt so helpless in my life except when I lost my children to adoption. I don't want to go back there. This kind of thing happens in third world countries...not in my Land of the Free.

They must have really meant it when they said that "all MEN are created equal."

posted by Robin at 9:21 PM on Mar 10, 2011

Women by Men....International Women's Day

2011-03-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today is International Women's Day, March 8. Not such a much in the US of A, because here men are what its all about, despite rumors (and efforts) to the contrary. Women seem to have really achieved little in the past decades, despite our struggles.

The other day, I heard recent figures on the status of women, especially in the workforce and in education. Women now outnumber men significantly on the college campuses, in the graduating classes from colleges and in pursuit of post graduate degrees. Women still earn $0.80 for every $1.00 earned by a men. Despite years of doing what was necessary to compete, men are still valued higher than women.

We see the very same thing in our particular interest area, Adoption. If an "Expert Opinion" is desired for an article, a quote or an interview, there are several goto sources that are selected. One is the National Council for Adoption, a lobbyist organization that represents Adoption Agencies around the nation. The other, The Evan B. Donaldson Institute, formed on behalf of one Adoption Agency, Spence-Chapin, named for their one-time president when they noticed that there was a "need" (from their website)...

"The Adoption Institute was established in 1996 through the initiative of the Board of Spence-Chapin Services to Families and Children, which saw a need for an independent and unbiased adoption research and policy organization. Evan B. Donaldson was a member of the Spence-Chapin Board of Directors continuously from 1977 on, serving as president from 1986 until her death in 1994."

OBVIOUSLY, when you want "independent and unbiased" research and policy, how much better to make sure that it fits your agenda ...just start if yourself! Clearly, when one is looking for best practices for hen house guarding, who better to offer "independent and unbiased" research than the foxes. If you want to offer better marketing strategies, wrapped up in slick salesmanship, Adam Pertman of the Evan B. Donaldson Institute (or EBD) is your man! As an adopter, he DOES have some first-hand information on adoption, and as a representative of an agency and an agency think tank, he is the perfect representative to NOT say anything that will show adoption in a bad light. However, he will not tell the truth about mothers and adoptees. Not perhaps because he is malicious, although that remains to be seen, but simply because he has three strikes against him. First, he is not an adoptee, but an adopter. Second, he is not a mother of loss but the recipient of that loss. Third, he is a MAN.

How can a man EVER be an authority on Women? It is insulting to even suggest that he is. It would be the same thing as going to a woman, a self-proclaimed authority on Men's issues, and asking her to describe what it is like to pee standing up. She can use charts, do research, analyze studies and make a power point demonstration, but one thing she CANNOT do is to even begin to understand what it is like to have a penis. Men would be outraged if that happened, as are the mothers who have for years said, when hearing that Pertman is again going to speak on our behalf...ADAM PERTMAN, PLEASE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP NOW....WE CAN TALK FOR OURSELVES!

Motherhood Deleted, Daily Bastardette, Mike Doughney and Baby Love Child, mother and adoptees, have posted the same thoughts, and it is comforting to know that we are on the same page with this idea that it is insulting that people who either benefited from the loss, earn their livings from the loss of mothers and their children or both, as in the case of Pertman, would be so presumptuous as to speak FOR them as if they were elected to be the spokesman for us. Nonsense! There are many well-educated, well-spoken, bright, articulate mothers and adoptees who can, will and should be called upon to speak on their own behalf.

At a conference several years ago, in Austin, TX, Pertman was the keynote speaker. It was right after the EBD had released their White Paper, Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of Birthparents in the Adoption Process, I overheard Pertman addressing a small group of adopters and paps outside the main conference room following his presentation. As I walked past, I overheard Pertman telling them "If we had helped them (the mothers) then, we wouldn't be parents today." A very simple statement. A very simple truth. It was so obvious, I don't know why it even bore stating, but it suddenly brought the entire issue into focus. How could mothers and adoptees allow this man to speak for us? It is self-defeating. So once again, Adam, you are superfluous and redundant....

Language Matters Revisited

2011-01-28T08:42:00.000-08:00

Encarnacion Bail Romero, Guatemalan Mother

Perhaps you have been following the story in the news recently about the Guatemalan mother, Encarnacion Bail Romero, who was imprisoned, likely wrongfully since the law allowing her imprisonment was ruled almost immediately following her incarceration as unconstitutional. During the years that she was imprisoned, her son, 6 months old at the time of her arrest, was wrongfully adopted. Since her release, she has been fighting to regain her son. The Missouri Supreme Court sent it back to the circuit court yesterday, but the Justices were unanimous that her maternal rights had been trampled upon, that she CLEARLY didn’t want to relinquish her son, and that the adoption was erroneous. They even went so far as to say that they, unfortunately, didn’t have the option that Solomon had to cut the child in two! That says a lot about the mixed feelings and emotions involved in this case.

Recently, I heard a discussion on NPR about the shortening attention span of the American Public. Catch phrases used to be able to be 20 seconds long, but in the age of the internet, Twitter, texting and the like, the message now has to get across in 9 seconds. If you can’t get the gist of your idea across in that window, you have lost your audience. So, you have to grab them right off the bat, or the “headline” is all they will get. This is one of the factors, likely, that is leading to the demise of the newspaper, and other print media.

Every day I get Google Alerts about Missouri adoption, and there have been numerous ones lately, with this case and Oprah’s newly found long lost sister in the news. Today, these two came in exactly as you see them below. I was immediately struck by the difference in the slant of the two articles. The difference in their representation on the SAME issue. If we REALLY think that the words and how an issue is framed is not important, and little things like semantics and word choices don’t matter, take a look at these:

Missouri ruling extends legal battle for immigrant's son
CNN
The trial court plainly erred by entering judgment on the adoption petition and terminating (the) mother's parental rights without complying with the ...

See all stories on this topic »

Ex-con mom gets chance to fight adoption
UPI.com
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo., Jan. 26 (UPI) -- The Missouri Supreme Court has ruled for a woman who says her son was adopted against her will while she was in prison ...

See all stories on this topic »

Maybe when the senior mothers, myself included, who dislike it when others correct them, calling them by names (Birthmother) that hadn't even been coined at the time of their losses, telling them that they didn't "lose a child to adoption", but "made an adoption plan" and "placed their babies" into "loving forever families" and the entire "Respectful Adoption Language" argument (I restate the obvious here, but Respectful to WHO?) actually have a point! When you see such obviously slanted headlines, or Twitter style, 9 second bytes of information such as the Google Headlines included, that will be the ONLY message a lot of folks will take away from these headlines, not interested enough to actually spend the time reading the articles, you know darn well that Language Matters!!! It isn't "just a word" ...it is an attempt at highjacking, redefining by reframing another woman's experience, it is a paradigm shift from reality, it is a lie...yet another adoption lie.

**********************************************************************************

ETA: Please take a minute to read my friend Motherhood Deleted blog this morning on yesterday's announcement about SMAAC Mothers and The Adoptee Rights Group joining forces! Great post!!

Adoptees and Mothers in Solidarity

2011-01-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

In August, in San Antonio, TX, the National Conference of State Legislators will convene. From all over the US, state legislators will come together to discuss common issues that affect their constitutents. This will be the 4th year in a row that adoptees have gathered at these conventions, first at Philadelphia, then New Orleans, then Louisville and now San Antonio, to make legislators aware of their issues...trying to obtain their original birth certificates. In the past, there have been some adoptive parents involved, and some mothers. This year, however, Mothers and adoptees will be officially joined to seek rights for mothers, too.

Here is the official SMAAC position on the rights of adoptees and their mothers rights. Read more at Motherhood Deleted or on SMAAC or at the Adoptee Rights Group. I hope you can join us in San Antonio in August. Stay tuned for more details.

Position Statement

Original/Amended Birth Certificate-Access to Equally Identifying Information

The term “Protection” in adoption has been grossly misused when it comes to the violations of rights of both adoptees and their natural mothers. Protection, as used in Government, means “That benefit or safety which the government affords to the citizens(1) ”, not the protection of one group of citizens from another. As adults, individuals are capable of monitoring and maintaining their relationships with other adults and it is unprecedented under law that protection of one class of adults be protected from another when neither class has committed any crime. The entities using "protection" in an erroneous manner, often those whose incomes depend on increasing adoption, have become increasingly presumptuous in speaking FOR natural mothers who are NOT all of the same mind and are older, experienced women capable of speaking for themselves.

The Equal Protection Clause of the Constitution, the 14th Amendment, grants all people equal protection of the laws, which means that “the states must apply the law equally and cannot give preference to one person or class of persons over another (2) ”. In regards to the opening of adoption records, most specifically the Original Birth Certificate, the identity of the natural mother is the one piece of information that is consistently made known. Access to identifying information on one party without providing equal access to identifying information of the other parties violates the Equal Protection intent. Providing the adopted adults with their original birth certificate, with the mother’s identifying information, while not providing the mothers with the amended birth certificate with their adopted child’s new name, is unequal and therefore violates the equal protection clause.

Since the Amended Birth Certificate contains identifying information on the adoptive parents, they also should be provided equal access to the identifying information of all parties to the surrender and adoption process. It has, in fact, been found that often adoptive parents have had identifying information on the mothers of their adopted children from the very beginning, in either the court documents, original birth certificates or social security cards. Some states, including Kansas and Maine, already give the original birth certificates to the adoptive parents, by law. The records were sealed to protect the adoptive parents from the natural parents, not to preserve the anonymity from adult adoptees that was imposed upon mothers.

Anonymity and confidentiality are two separate concepts in the law. Confidential records are almost never confidential to the parties involved. Confidentiality of the medical records, counseling files, and other documents that pertain to the mother are private and should remain confidential. In the early days of the Baby Scoop Era, Mothers were granted confidentiality during their confinements, prior to delivering their infants to protect them from the prying eyes of neighbors and others. Confidentiality in adoption was not intended to be continuous, unasked for, anonymity from the children to whom they gave birth and surrendered. Anonymity refers ONLY to identity. Seldom is mandatory anonymity codified by laws and if not, the promise of perpetual anonymity to birthmothers used as a reason to maintain an unnecessary anonymity hasn’t a precedent.

Medical Updates

Natural Mothers, as all citizens of the United States, are guaranteed “the protection of their privacy of the person and possessions as against unreasonable searches (4th Amendment), and the 5th Amendment's privilege against self-incrimination, which provides protection for the privacy of personal information (3),” which would include our and our family’s medical history

HIPAA laws state, quite simply, that the individual “owns” their medical history. It does not become the property of the physician who treats the person, and that the individual has the right to take their medical history with them when they move to a different physician. That made it possible for the person to avoid unnecessary duplication of testing, x-rays and diagnoses. It also made it possible for people to deny someone else access to their private medical history, including family members.

Summary

Natural mothers surrendered their rights to parent their minor children and their responsibilities to their infants, not the right to ever know their children or their welfare.

No one can be compelled to violate their own rights. One cannot waive one’s Constitutional Rights. In fact, laws that violate constitutionally guaranteed rights are not legal and will not withstand a challenge in a court of law. Legislators are aware of this fact, if writers of legislation are not, and do not want to have their names attached to bills that will not withstand a constitutional challenge in court.

In order for a bill to pass, it must be able to withstand a constitutional challenge. It must be fair, equal and just. The ones that are being written that exclude the rights of one party in preference to other parties are not legal. A fair and comprehensive bill would offer equal benefits for all parties involved, including the mother who surrendered.

1. http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/protection
2. http://www.lectlaw.com/def/e027.htm
3. http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/conlaw/rightofprivacy.html

Welcome 2011

2010-12-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

2010-12-24T16:44:00.000-08:00

Bullies, Mean Girls and Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2010-12-20T05:35:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot in the news lately about bullying and the upswing in suicides as a result of it. Stars, psychologists, psychiatrists, the media including tv, radio and the newspapers have all come out with news about bullying. This has been an issue in schools for a long time. There have been thousands and thousands of hours, words, seminars, conferences, workshops for educators, parents, and others on how to stop this in our school children, and now it seems that it has invaded the colleges, as well.

Of course, there has always been hazing in colleges, so-called harmless pranks, to show that you can man or woman up to show your loyalty to some group or other on campus. For decades they have attempted to do away with hazing on the college campuses, outlawing it and making harsh punishments if it is found to be happenng. And, yet, it continues.

Bullying is evident everywhere on the internet, too. Go into any forum, Q&A Forum, Discussion Group, even personal blogs, like this one, and you will see the bullies here, too. They come anonymously, and say whatever they feel and without leaving a name, disappear. There is little concern for courtesy, for good manners, for taste and discretion. Nope, they think it, it is out there for all to see.

A woman visited my blog recently and posted a message accusing me of advocating that women drop babies like puppies and rely on the government to raise them, and then threw out the Kumbaya card, about "all working together to make adoption better." I replied (on MY blog) what MY goals are, what MY mission is, what MY area of interests are, and when I asked her how she thought we could all work togethet on MY issues of interest, she curtly replied,

"Apparantly there's only one side to this issue and no room for discussion. Good to know. I'll leave you to your negativity."

Let me get this straight.... The focus I was suggesting wasn't about getting babies to market faster, or about loosening the laws, or making adoption costs less, be more binding faster, or allow prebirth surrenders to be legally binding. I said to her;

...."Since I am a EMS mother and have stated not once but a MILLION times that I am ONLY interested in working on issues that affect EMS mothers, obviously that is what you are interested in working on, in your suggestion (on MY blog), so what do you intend to do for the millions of mothers like me? What are you doing to open the access to the original birth certificates for adoptees and for the women who gave them life? What are you doing to help young women to insure they have adequate access to birth control, options, and information to make an INFORMED and educated choice?"

I found it humorous that, on my blog, she got her knickers in a wad because I wasn't working on her issues. LOL. And, that if I am not going to work on her agenda, she will "leave me to my negativity". Interesting. If it is about HER it is legitimate, whoever she is. If it is about US, it is negativity, no matter what. Okay, I've got that now.

Just the other day, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed and finally it is not going to get an active duty military person booted for being gay. From what I understand, usually everyone is aware of the sexual proclivities of the individual, even though no one is allowed to discuss it. It is a gigantic no-issue for most young military personnel, but a huge issue for older, homophobic, lawmakers.

State after state is making it harder and harder for adoptees and mothers to get access to their sealed records. Even if all parties come in together to get a copy of the OBC, and unseal the records, the mother, adoptive mother and the adult adoptee are denied access citing a need for a court order to show a compelling reason for opening the records, and then are being denied. Whose privacy are they protecting? The parties are all there, offering their permission, offering to waive their privacy and still the secrets must be maintained.

I am troubled by the meanness in our country, and the lack of even the commonest courtesy. It makes me uneasy that people feel free to say whatever the choose anonymously in forums and that meanness carries over to real life. I am sad that in our country, it is still seen as better to keep a secret rather than to live in truth. What is happening here? How can this be? Why is meanness, secrets and lies EVER seen as better than kindness, consideration and truth?

We are ending a year and a decade very soon. Maybe this was an anomoly of this decade, rather like Hippies pretty much died off in the 1970's, kindness and truth will be the hallmarks of the next. I hope so...

Ryan Joseph

2010-12-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Proud Big Sister

I would like to introduce you to my family's newest member. It is my pleasure to present Ryan Joseph, born 11/18/2010 and weighed in at 7 lbs. 12 oz. and he was 20 1/4 inches long. In my totally objective and unbiased opinion, as his grandmother, he is a model for handsome babies, a new watermark against whom future children will be measured

First Day of Life

At Almost 3 Weeks

I have not been blogging much, lately, and this is the reason why. I had forgotten what little poop machines babies were, and what energy and time is consumed by them! Having babies is definitely a young woman's business.

Following his birth, my daughter had some complications which made it impossible for her to do a lot of the things she would normally do as a new mother, so I have been allowed to fill in for her while she recuperates. I am with her on a daily basis, from early in the morning until my full time student and full time employee son-in-law is nearby. I am delighted at the opportunity to spend the time with them and to be able to get to know my grandson this early. He is a charmer! My children do good work, all of them!

VETERAN'S DAY, 2010

2010-11-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

http://foxtrotters.tripod.com/animate.htm#USA

A GREAT BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE VETERANS WHO HAVE SERVED OUR NATION, ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT I LOVE.

THANK YOU,

DAD

DAN

WADE

GEOFF

DAVID

LARA

YOUR NATION IS PROUD OF YOU

I AM PROUD OF YOU

THANK YOU!

November First

2010-10-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

November first begins the Dia de los Muertos (also known as "Day of the Dead") festivities with All Saints Day in which the deceased children are honored and remembered. November second All Souls Day is for the remembrance of the adult dead. Dia de los Muertos combines these days to celebrate the the deceased and enjoy their memories. Dia de los Muertos is not at all scary, spooky or somber. The spirits of the deceased are thought to pay a visit to their families during Dia de los Muertos and the families prepare an altar for them.

I live in San Antonio. Tomorrow is November 1 and for all those who live in S. Texas, it is the first day of the celebration of Dia de los Muertos or the Day of the Dead and the celebration of the lost children, los ninos.

It is also the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month. I have often thought it an ironic choice by the industry that they chose this particular month which starts off with this homage to dead children and another day of homage to dead adults. What could better express the feelings of the mothers as they grieve the losses of their infants because, with the loss of a child surrendered to be adopted by strangers, a portion of the mother's soul must die in order for the mother to cope. The mother becomes, legally, "as if dead to" the child she gave birth to and the child, according to the adoption industry is then "as if born to" the new family created by the adoption agency.

I know that there are many, many women who find this month to be almost unbearable. There will be mentions of adoption on television, in the news, in Google alerts, in politics, in short, adoption will be EVERYWHERE. It is almost impossible to escape it during November. I also find it extremely difficult, and by the end of the month, am exhausted with trying to cope.

Mothers of SMAAC decided to make the month mean something and use it as a means to raise awareness of the loss we feel. We wear our ribbons, write letters, educate others about the losses we experienced, the fact that our children often feel the loss as deeply as we, and remind them that for every adoption love-fest they hear of, there is a grieving mother somewhere. We try to use our pain for positive, to make it count for something.

Tomorrow, I will join San Antonio in celebrating my dead relatives at my altar, in honoring their memory, inviting their spirits to visit us. I will also be feeling the loss of my son, my lost infant child and his mother, the girl who lost her first born baby boy to forced surrender for adoption by strangers. I will invite her to join me and celebrate her return, if she chooses. I will don my ribbon and wear it with pride for each day of this terrible month. I hate November....

Unsealed with a K.I.S.S.

2010-10-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Goody Two Shoes

Despite a certain cynicism, I really do believe in people. I try very hard to give people the benefit of a doubt and instinctively believe the best about them...until they prove me wrong. That has been, for the most part, not a bad thing. I have made some mistakes, of course, even done some REAL BONERS, but I like to give folks a chance, including Legislators.

I believe that Legislators are, for the most part, well-intentioned individuals who want to make a difference, to make the world a better place, want to do good things for their constituents, and, above all, want to be reelected. They are parents, husbands, wives, lovers, sons and daughters, more or less competent members of their society. They read the news, they watch television and see the same advertising as the rest of us. They see the slick Adoption Industry ads that show "Adoption, the Loving Option," and they, like the rest of our society, like to believe that because it is easy and nice to believe it. They hear about the abortion rates, and they draw the conclusion that adoption is a win/win/win all the way around. It solves the pro lifer's hatred of choice, satisfies inferiles with the notion that those un-aborted babies will be available for them, solves the 'problem' of illegitimacy, and has the added advantage of being a sort of cottage growth industry in adoption, and in this economy, ANY industry that is growing MUST be good, right?!

But, the bottom line, always with legislators is THEY WANT TO GET REELECTED. They want to make a name for themselves, but certainly not by introducing unpopular legislation that will slow down a growth industry, upset a significant segment of the population and will NOT pass an expensive, time-consuming Constitutional challenge. The process of legislation is cumbersome, slow and deliberate, for a reason. Ideally, for a law to pass it must be fair, balanced and just. It should solve problems rather than causing them. Lawmakers blanch at having their names associated with bills that will likely cause more problems than they solve.

The industry has had time since the passage of the original OBC Access bill in Oregon, a state where the standing laws at the time the Open Records bill was introduced there, were not terribly complicated. In order to change them, the legislation introduced was also relatively uncomplicated. Since that time, however, the laws in other states, adjusting to the legislative changes being made state by state, have become more complex, more involved and more convoluted, some recently, including the one that recently passed in Illinois, being over 80 pages long!

The worst thing about these Legislative Tomes is that, by and large, they don't pass. There are some that are pending, the one in New York comes to mind, that have been so for decades! There are reasons why they don't pass and one of the reasons is quite simple. They are not fair, they are not balanced and they are not just so they will not pass a Constitutional Challenge.

Whatever the reasons given for an adopted adult to desire a copy of their Original Birth Certificate, the major sticking point is the identity of the mother...her name is on the birth certificate along with a lot of other personal information. Much noise is made about "protecting the poor birth mother's privacy" and anonymity, but thus far, no one has managed to provide a single source that provides mothers with any other privacy or anonymity in place at the time of their surrender beyond that afforded any other citizen.

I addressed, in an earlier post, Carol Anderson's (former President of CUB and a brilliant woman!) viewpoint on the issue of justice as balanced (the symbol for JUSTICE is a balanced Scale), and I could not agree more with her. In order for a bill to meet the the criteria for a Supreme Court Challenge, it MUST be balanced. Our Constitution guarantees us "Equal Protection Under the Law"...that is equal for ALL parties, and the 'protection' referred to is not merely protection FROM someone, but the protection of our rights....equally!

To me, it would seem that the easiest way to accomplish that would be a federal law repealing all the laws that allow or mandate falsification of Vital Public Records. However, I received comments that said my idea was 'interesting' but none thought it could be done. I beg to differ. I think it could be done. They repealed Prohibition, after all!

If adopted adults only are included in the legislation they are asking not for equal treatment the same as everyone else. Everyone else has ONE birth certificate. They want two. They want one that is legal and valid, and one that is true. That makes them a separate class, and gives them separate rights afforded to no other class of citizen...two separate birth certificates. Most of the adopted adults I have talked to balk at rescinding their Amended Birth Certificate, since it is the one with which they are familiar. It is comfortable. It is what they know. They don't want to upset their adopters by suggesting that their lives are a legalized lie, even though they are!

So, if the Repeal idea won't fly, here is another idea, fair, balanced and just....include the Mothers in pending legislation. The mothers' names are the "breach of confidentiality" that is used most commonly as a reason to deny the opening of birth certificates to adopted adults. Here's a news flash to everyone....There is nothing in any state's statutes (of which I am aware) from the EMS that promised mother's anything. It took away a lot of things, our right to parent our child, our right to inheritance from the child, our right to know our child and the sometimes the right to search, but none that I am aware of promised the mother a darn thing. If someone can find old statutes that promise mothers something, I would be happy to see them but I don't believe they exist. If promises were made by agencies (which mothers deny, by the way) unless they were promising something that was in the current statutes at the time, the 'promises' would be unenforceable.

If the mothers are included as participants in the legislation, it makes things fair, balanced and just. If the mother's privacy is more sacrosanct than anyone else's privacy, then mothers enjoy a separate right. They don't. We don't. If mothers are included in the legislation and allowed unfettered access to equal identifying information (in this case, the Amended Birth Certificate) on the child they surrendered, it would even the playing field. The mother's rights would be protected just as each other citizen of our nation is, by equal protection! No one party to a transaction receives information that another party cannot obtain equally.

Since the Amended Birth Certificate replaces the names of the mothers and sometimes the fathers with the names of the adopters, which is also Identifying Information, they would also, by default, have unfettered access to the Original Birth Certificate. I understand that many of them have the mother's names anyway, on their adoption papers, their copies of the paperwork and the court documents, so for them it is largely an anticlimax, but in the interest of fairness, balance and justice, they also would be included in pending legislation.

So, in summary, the most expedient thing to do would be to pass a federal law repealing all laws that allow the practice of falsifying Vital Public Records. It would be retroactive to the dates that these laws were passed in all states. This is to me the most logical, efficient and expedient way to move forward. It would be the way it was before the laws that made these lies into laws. My opinion.

If that isn't considered, for whatever reason, here is the next best solution, as I see it. It is a given that Adopted Adults SHOULD be given a copy of their Original Birth Certificate, which includes identifying information on the mother. Therefore, the mothers should equally be allowed access to the Amended Birth Certificate, which includes identifying information on the child she relinquished. Because of the nature of the Amended Birth Certificate, identifying information (the names) of the Adopters would also be included when it is given to the mothers. Therefore, the adopters, in the spirit of equal access, would be able to access the Original Birth Certificate as well. Equal access for all parties to a transaction equals equal protection under the laws.

For many years I was in sales. We had a theory we used when talking to our customers. We tended to get overly long, overly explaining the benefits of our products, because we believed in them. We oversold them and talked our customers into buying our product and by overselling talked them right back out of it. We called it our KISS Theory and you may have heard of it already. If not, here is what it means "KISS" means "Keep It Simple, Stupid." Perhaps we can send THAT along to our legislators, too.

A Great History Lesson

2010-10-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

This year, I received this from a Dear Friend, as a reminder to vote. I already had, but I was glad to receive it again, nevertheless. I will be working the elections this year, as an Election Clerk, and it is my honor to do so. This is why.

Thanks to the Friend who sent it to me, thanks to the person who put it together, and thanks (and much more information) to Snopes.com for verifying this, in no uncertain terms!

Lest we forget!

This is the story of our Mothers and Grandmothers who lived only 90 years ago.

Remember, it was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to go to the polls and vote.

The women were innocent and defenseless, but they were jailed nonetheless for picketing the White House, carrying signs asking for the vote.

And by the end of the night, they were barely alive.

Forty prison guards wielding clubs and their warden's blessing went on a rampage against the 33 women wrongly convicted of 'obstructing sidewalk traffic.'

(Lucy Burns)

They beat Lucy Burns, chained her hands to the cell bars above her head and left her hanging for the night, bleeding and gasping for air.

(Dora Lewis)

They hurled Dora Lewis into a dark cell, smashed her head against an iron bed and knocked her out cold. Her cellmate, Alice Cosu, thought Lewis was dead and suffered a heart attack. Additional affidavits describe the guards grabbing, dragging, beating, choking, slamming, pinching, twisting and kicking the women.

Thus unfolded the 'Night of Terror' on Nov. 15, 1917, when the warden at the Occoquan Workhouse in Virginia ordered his guards to teach a lesson to the suffragists imprisoned there because they dared to picket Woodrow Wilson's White House for the right to vote. For weeks, the women's only water came from an open pail. Their food--all of it colorless slop--was infested with worms.

(Alice Paul)

When one of the leaders, Alice Paul, embarked on a hunger strike, they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and poured liquid into her until she vomited. She was tortured like this for weeks until word was smuggled out to the press.

So, refresh my memory. Some women won't vote this year because - why, exactly? We have carpool duties? We have to get to work? Our vote doesn't matter? It's raining?

(Mrs. Pauline Adams in the prison garb she wore while serving a sixty-day sentence.)

Last week, I went to a sparsely attended screening of HBO's new movie 'Iron Jawed Angels.' It is a graphic depiction of the battle these women waged so that I could pull the curtain at the polling booth and have my say. I am ashamed to say I needed the reminder.

(Miss Edith Ainge, of Jamestown , New York )

All these years later, voter registration is still my passion. But the actual act of voting had become less personal for me, more rote. Frankly, voting often felt more like an obligation than a privilege. Sometimes it was inconvenient.

(Berthe Arnold, CSU Graduate)

My friend Wendy, who is my age and studied women's history, saw the HBO movie, too. When she stopped by my desk to talk about it, she looked angry. She was--with herself. 'One thought kept coming back to me as I watched that movie,' she said. 'What would those women think of the way I use, or don't use, my right to vote? All of us take it for granted now, not just younger women, but those of us who did seek to learn.' The right to vote, she said, had become valuable to her 'all over again.'

HBO released the movie on video and DVD . I wish all history, social studies and government teachers would include the movie in their curriculum I want it shown on Bunco night, too, and anywhere else women gather. I realize this isn't our usual idea of socializing, but we are not voting in the numbers that we should be, and I think a little shock therapy is in order.

(Conferring over ratification [of the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution] at [National Woman's Party] headquarters, Jackson Pl [ace] [ Washington , D.C. ]. L-R Mrs. Lawrence Lewis, Mrs. Abby Scott Baker, Anita Pollitzer, Alice Paul, Florence Boeckel, Mabel Vernon (standing, right))

It is jarring to watch Woodrow Wilson and his cronies try to persuade a psychiatrist to declare Alice Paul insane so that she could be permanently institutionalized. And it is inspiring to watch the doctor refuse. Alice Paul was strong, he said, and brave. That didn't make her crazy.

The doctor admonished the men: 'Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.'

Please, if you are so inclined, pass this on to all the women you know. We need to get out and vote and use this right that was fought so hard for by these very courageous women. - Remember to vote!!!!

(Helena Hill Weed, Norwalk , Conn. Serving 3 day sentence in D.C. prison for carrying banner, 'Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed.')

History is being made.

OK now, ladies, get out and VOTE !!!!!

Rod Stewart 2006

2010-10-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

The mother tried for 7 months to keep her baby, alone, until she broke! I feel so bad for this woman! She was an EMS mother and I can only imagine the pressure on her. In the earlier post, she was only worthy of one short sentence...‘

'I met her a few times a long time ago, but we don’t get on.'

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY, DAD ..JUST LET ME GIVE MY BABY BROTHER...

Sunday Mirror, Jan 1, 2006 by ZOE NAUMAN

AS she gazes at the glossy pictures of Rod Stewart proudly cradling his new baby son, tears well up in Sarah Streeter's eyes.

She knows this is the kind of tender moment the singer never shared with her. What's more, Rod is proudly introducing Alastair Wallace as his SIXTH child.

And that's what hurts most.

Sarah, now 42, is the child Rod has airbrushed out of his life, the one he never mentions in public. She was the first of his SEVEN children, although she's rarely seen him since she was born in 1963.

Sarah knows she will only ever get to see her newborn half- brother in the pages of celebrity magazines and newspapers. "He forgets how many children he has in interviews," Sarah says. "It breaks my heart that I have a whole family out there who I will probably never get to meet."

Sarah was abandoned by the star when she was a few days old and didn't find out he was her father until she was 18. She has since tried to make contact with Rod and build up a relationship. Instead she has had to endure Rod joking in interviews that he wished she didn't exist. He was once quoted as saying: "You can count her if you want. I try not to."

Yet there is no mistaking Sarah is Rod's daughter. The likeness is uncanny... the same long nose and almond-shaped eyes.

Rod was an 18-year-old unknown musician when he met Sarah's mother, Susannah Boffey, then an art student, in Islington, North London. They had a year-long relationship - until Susannah fell pregnant. When Rod found out, Sarah says he wanted nothing more to do with her. "He told mum he didn't want her to have the baby, but mum was having none of it." She says Rod had to be dragged to the hospital to be at the birth by Susannah's friend Chrissie Shrimpton, later Mick Jagger's model girlfriend. "He sat outside the labour room with his head in his hands saying, 'What have I done?'"

Susannah, who was 17, struggled to look after her daughter on her own for seven months - before she was put in care. Rod never visited his newborn child.

SARAH was in a children's home until, aged four, she was adopted by Evelyn and Gerald Thubron. The identity of her real parents was kept from her until she was 18 when Evelyn broke the news.

"Of course I was amazed to discover my dad was Rod Stewart and couldn't believe it at first," she says. "But I decided I wanted to meet him. Now I wish I hadn't."

Sarah's adoptive brother Colin wrote to Stewart's record company on her behalf but all they got back was a signed photo.

In 1982 Sarah flew to LA to meet him. It had been set up by a journalist and Rod arrived, accompanied by a lawyer and his then wife Alana Hamilton. "It became clear he'd only agreed to meet me under pressure," says Sarah. "It was uncomfortable for both of us. My mum asked him if he might hug me but he didn't. I felt like a fan, not someone with blood ties."

Sarah and Rod have since had sporadic contact but now Sarah has given up on ever forming a long-term relationship with her father. "I never expected him to be a proper dad," she says. "But I had hoped we could have developed a friendship. More than anything I want him to acknowledge me, not talk in interviews about his six children. Now I know that is never going to happen. I have washed my hands of Rod Stewart."

Apart from Alastair, Rod's new baby with fiancee Penny Lancaster, his other children are Kimberley, 25, and Sean, 24, from his marriage to actress Alana; Ruby, 17, whose mother is model Kelly Emberg; and Renee, 12, and Liam, 10, from his marriage to Rachel Hunter. They have all enjoyed the trappings that come with being children of an international star with a pounds 100m fortune. But Sarah had none of their lifestyle.

Although she loves her adopted parents, not knowing her real mother and father has had a huge impact on her life. "I was reunited with my real mother a few weeks after I met Rod for the first time in 1982," she says. "But now we do not speak. We're very different."

Sarah says she has had problems forming relationships and, after a series of "bad boyfriends", suffered depression and at one time had a drink problem - which she doesn't hold her father responsible for.

But she now works as a carer and lives with her husband Chris Streeter, 55, and her adoptive mother Evelyn in Uckfield, East Sussex. After the initial meeting Sarah contacted Rod again in LA and he arranged to meet her in London. They had lunch together with his new partner Kelly Emberg.

They stayed in touch for about a year and a half. She'd normally meet him backstage at concerts and even once joined him for a curry with her then-boyfriend. Afterwards he invited them back to his sprawling mansion in Epping, Essex for the night. She still treasures the bracelet Rod bought her for her 23rd birthday. "It was good during that time, but the conversation was always superficial and we never talked about my real mum or the past, which I understood was difficult for him," says Sarah. "It was always me who initiated the meetings and it was hurtful that I had to go through his secretary."

He spent a lot of time in LA and the contact petered out. On the few occasions she did meet him, she was never introduced to her half- brothers and sisters.

It was when he failed to attend her wedding to Chris in July 2004 that any hopes of a lasting relationship broke down. "I sent him an invite three months before," she says. "Then I got a call to say he couldn't make it as he had some concerts in the US. I was upset. I didn't want him to give me away or anything like that, however it would have been nice if he could have been there."

On her wedding day a huge bunch of lilies arrived with a card reading: "With love Rod and Penny." The singer had also sent pounds 5,000 of Harrods' vouchers . "It was a very generous," says Sarah. "But it would have been nice if I had got a card with a personal message in it."

Rod's secretary had also promised that he would give Sarah a call on her big day and she was so desperate not to miss it that she even tried to put her mobile down the top of her wedding dress. "I carried it around with me all day, which was quite awkward, but I didn't get a call." She adds: "I haven't been able to bring myself to spend the vouchers. I don't want him to think that the only reason I'm interested in him is his money."

Sarah says Rod called last June, nearly a year after the wedding. He asked how married life was and suggested Sarah go and see him at a concert he was doing at Blenheim Palace. "He said all his other children were going to be there. I was very nervous but wanted to see them all." She went with Chris and her stepson Mark, 20, only to be refused entry because they didn't have the right pass. Eventually Rod's housekeeper recognised her and got her backstage - but only after the show had ended and Rod had left. "I was devastated," Sarah says. "It had been such a huge thing."

The last straw came during October and November when Rod was promoting his new album."He was on television all the time. On a couple of occasions when an interviewer said to him, 'So you will have six children with the new baby?' - he never told them they were wrong. It was like he had written me out of his life. I rang his secretary and told her: 'Tell him I never want to speak to him again'."

Since then Sarah has heard nothing: "All I wanted was for Rod to acknowledge me publicly when he talks about his children. I'm disappointed at not meeting my brothers and sisters or being able to give Alastair a cuddle."

Copyright 2006 MGN LTD

Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.

Who Woulda Thought?

2010-10-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's the deal...the last post I posted was 2 days ago. The one where I promised to post every single day. I thought it would be a piece of cake to write my story. I know the story. I know the details, the ins and out. I know the feelings that I felt and the thoughts I thought. I know but I am finding it all but impossible to write it down.

Interestingly, the day after I posted the last one, I completed a post, put it up on Preview and then didn't post it, accidentally, of course. I thought it was posted. I really did. But, I didn't. Then, the next day, when I realized it hadn't been posted, I reread it and trashed it. It sucked. I hated it.

I am not sure why this is hard, but it really truly is. Sorry for the slow downs, but it will have to come in fits and spurts instead of in a flow. I apologize for that.

Meanwhile, my friend Robin at Motherhood Deleted posted again about the post on OriginsNSW by Rohan McEnor, God's Will or God Swill, Rohan is a Theology Major and this is an excerpt from the book he is writing that has the working title, "Father to the Fatherless: what the Bible really says about adoption." I can hardly wait to read it, if this is an example of his writing skills....simply brilliant!

The thing I noticed was that the article was on a page titled, FATHERS SPEAKING OUT. This is particularly interesting at this time because of the current case of Grayson Vaughn, the little boy whose father has been fighting an epic battle to regain custody of his son from the kidnappers who are holding him against court orders and good manners. Lorraine and Jane have been talking aobut it at some length on Firsmother Forum. You can read all about it. They have detailed it beautifully, and there is no reason to go into it all again here, as it has been done well. We have seen that smug entitlement time and again from Baby Richard, to Baby Evelyn Bennett, and each time I see it, I am again appalled at their sheer Gall!!!

I am finding it encouraging that the fathers really are speaking out! I noticed that on OriginsNSW website and that made me think of the fathers' part in the loss of their children to adoption. If the fathers had stepped up and even acknowledged their part in the conception perhaps there wouldn't be six million (yes, that's right, SIX MILLION) adoptees from that time.

Then, I read another article today, about a 46 year old adoptee, Sarah Streeter, who reunited with her natural father, who this time turned out to be rocker, Rod Stewart, who at 64 is about to again become a father to a new baby his wife is pregnant with. It was, except for the fact that it was about a rock star, almost as cliche as any reunion story I ever read!

First of all, the adoptee, Sarah, had actually reunited with her rocker Dad in the 1980's but their reunion faltered until recently....after her adoptive mother died. Hmmmm, never heard THAT before *snark*

Then, as if that wasn't cliche enough, I read this....

Rod was an unknown 17-year-old vocalist who was a few years away from his first break in the late Sixties with The Jeff Beck Band when he met art student Susannah Boffey, also 17, at a party.

The pair embarked on a year-long relationship before Susannah discovered she was pregnant. Susannah, initially, wanted to keep the child, even though Rod had told her he was too young to have a baby.

After Sarah was born, he asked her to give the baby away and, after she refused, the couple split up. After struggling to raise her daughter alone for several months, Susannah finally agreed to give Sarah up for adoption.

The natural mother, Susannah, the art student who tried for months to keep her child, despite pressure from Rod and pressure, I am sure from the society around her, but finally succumbed and surrendered, is mentioned again in passing, when Sarah, the adoptee who is becoming so close to her Dad, the great guy...

‘I met her a few times a long time ago, but we don’t get on.'

Now, PLEASE, tell me why this isn't a surprise, but it still infuriates me?! Ah, fathers...those Rascals!

Just Another Mother's Story

2010-10-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

The story I began yesterday is my story. I will continue to tell it day by day. It isn't unique, except in a few details, but, it is mine. That makes it unique to me. And, there are details that are different, as there are with most mother's stories. But, no matter the details, no matter the lead up, the stories are all the same. Pregnant girl, boyfriend disappears, girl disappears pregnant and comes home without baby. As sad as it makes me, personally, it makes me even sadder that the same story was told during the EMS 6 million times. This is a sorority of sisters of sadness and loss. I don't want to be a member of this club, but I am.

I have promised others, including my children, that this story would be told, and tell it I will, but it is hard to write it down and it will be slow. I apologize for that.

It isn't unique. It isn't pretty or romantic. None of our stories are nice and there is no "...and, they lived happily ever after" at the end. There is no end, because adoption loss is forever.

Please be patient with me. I will post some more tomorrow and every day this month. I made a commitment and I intend to honor it. A post a day....some long, some short, but every single day for a month.

My Once Upon a Time....

2010-10-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of school, senior year in high school. All the requisite courses were out of the way and all that were needed were some hours. Business Law was up in the business course area of the building, an area where someone in college prep courses rarely went. Unfamiliar with that area, she arrived a few minutes late for the first class and hurried to the only empty seat in the room, right in front of the new boy in school. He looked so different! He was bad boy handsome, with a slightly mocking smile and a twinkle in his eye that made her heartbeat quicken. He was sitting right next to her friend, Jerry, who seemed to know him and quietly he introduced her to him.

His voice and his eyes went right to the core of her. It was obvious he was interested, and so was she! Having put her old boyfriend off to college just a few weeks earlier, she hadn't expected to be so strongly attracted already to someone so soon. But, she was, oh, she was!

Walking out of class that day, he waited for her. He walked her to her locker and stood talking with her for a while. That became a common thing in the next few days and within a week he had asked her out. By Thanksgiving, she was totally, absolutely and irrevocably head over heels in love. When her old boyfriend came home for break, she told him that she had met someone and fallen for him. She was sorry, and broke off 2 1/2 years of going steady with him. He was hurt, angry and asked her who he was. She told him and was shocked when he threw his parting shot at her on the way out the door..."Don't let him get you pregnant!"

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2010-10-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

My friend, Robin, at Motherhood Deleted, posted today about Liza Minnelli (btw, looking VERY good, Liza!).  She made the news following an interview with Larry King, who she told, "I couldn't have them (children). No (I never wanted to adopt). What happened was that I realised that if God didn't have that in mind for me, and I couldn't have my own, what do I do with these maternal feelings? Maybe there's somebody I can help. Maybe I should concentrate on other areas...."

While I am thrilled with her decision and wish that more celebrities would follow her lead, I find it disturbing that her stance is so uncommon that it made the news!   A couple years ago it was uncommon enough that the world was turned off by Madonna and Angelina as they toured foreign nations on baby searching missions. I remember when I boycotted all the movies made by adopters and the last one was Hugh Jackman. Now you would be hard-pressed to find a movie that WASN'T! So, I suppose that is the reason that Liza's pronouncement was so newsworthy.

Whatever the reason, Liza, a tip of the hat to you and thank you from a mother of adoption loss! I have always been a fan, but you are one of the stars who I can fully get behind and support unequivocally! Hurry and make a movie so I can support that, too.

Over on Firstmother Forum, Lorraine Dusky and Jane Edwards are talking about Benjamin Wyrembek, the father of Grayson Vaughn (not his legal name, since he has never been adopted), whose right to parent the child he fathered have been upheld in the Supreme Court of the State of Ohio, but who still hasn't got the custody of his child. There is no shortage of bad guys in this case. It is not just the natural mother who relinquished the child, born from an affair during a 'temporary hiatus from her marriage vows', who along with the legal father, her husband, arranged the adoption.  Also the Vaughns, who knew within days after they took the child that his father wanted to parent him and who, along with their attorney, have kept this alive in the court for over 3 years! There is a lively conversation going on there, as the Vaughn family members and their minions post their nonsense and entitled lies on forum after forum. They even have a Facebook page.

And, a California prospective adoptive mother,Stacey Doss, and an Ohio natural father, Benjamin Mills, are in a battle for a little girl, Vanessa. Is it coincidental that the natural mother in THIS case, Andrea Conley, also lied by telling the agency that she didn't know who the father was? She did, indeed, know who the father was, and in fact, had been involved with him for the first several months of her pregnancy.

The implications of Andrea Conley's lie, the lies of deception used by the natural mother in the Grayson Vaughn case, and the desire shown by contemporary fathers to raise their children will have an impact, I believe, on all future adoptions. I don't think it a coincidence that both mothers lied about the fathers. I suspect that they were encouraged to so so by the adoption agency workers. They have done that since the EMS, either ignoring the father's rights completely or encouraging mothers to lie so as not to muddy the adoption waters and complicate the slam dunk process that adoption had always been.

Here's the bottom line....FATHERS HAVE RIGHTS, TOO! It is exciting to me today to realize that finally the father's rights are being recognized. If father's rights had been recognized during the EMS, my son would not have been adopted. When he came to get us at the home, and they had him arrested for Trespassing, he was an intruder, a nuisance, a monkey wrench thrown into the adoption machinery that was already in motion and he was dealt with as such and decidedly NOT as the father of the infant boy lying in the nursery crying for his mother....and, for his father, too.

Time will tell what the ramifications from the current cases will yield in adoption reform. I can predict that it will likely NOT be what we think they will be. But, it seems to me that the public perception is changing. The practices of the EMS are no longer viewed as the stuff of mother's imaginations to excuse their behavior. It is a documented fact. No longer is adoption automatically viewed with an unjaundiced eye. The times, they are a'changin'.....Good one, Dads! Keep it up!!!

Machiavellian Tactics

2010-10-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

Whatever his personal intentions, which are still debated today, his surname yielded the modern political word Machiavellian—the use of cunning and deceitful stratagem in politics.

2010-09-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

"The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

---- FDR - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

This picture epitomized what I had been thinking for some time. Apparently, it was posted originally on Salon.com, but very small. It was blown up and recreated by a guy named Al Haug on Facebooks and I 'borrowed' it because it so nicely summed up my thoughts. Thanks, Al and whoever created it. I am blowing it up and printing it out and framing it for my front door.

Just recently, there was a push to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell mandate for the military, initiated during the Clinton Administration. It failed. The Republicans blame the Democrats and the Dems blame the Repubs. Even the military weighed in saying they would prefer to have the lie than the truth.

I worry about a nation that is willing, and even eager, to base a system on lies. To believe it is okay to continue to institutionalize lying by omission is still lying, something that our parents were very clear about when we tried it as children, but something that seems to meet with cultural approval when adulthood is reached.

This is the same approval that allows and encourages the lies of adoption. It is a sad thing that to grease the way for a continuation of the peddling in fresh infant flesh, lies

We have a generation of children who think that cheating is okay as long as they are not caught, even in gaming, who think that corporations are not bound by the same rules of right and wrong as the rest of us, and there is nothing immoral in what they do, since it is "just business." This is the same generation whose education has shrunken to what will gain their school districts the highest rating in standardized testing scores, and have almost no exposure to the classics, music, art, literature. They never learn to do critical thinking, have no love of the beauty of family, heritage, kin, and bloodlines, and yet are drawn to kin like moths to flames.

I fear for this generation. They have been raised on mixed messages and lies, so how can we ever expect them to see that lying shrivels the soul. I think that the legislators need to relearn the lessons that they learned in kindergarten....Lying is Wrong. Mother said so.

Let Missouri Lead the Way

2010-09-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)

In Missouri, the state where my son was born, and where I laid eyes on him for the last time for over 30 years, there is a budding movement, to begin anew the push to open the Original Birth Certificate. State after state has had their movement, has worked toward opening the birth certificates for adoptees. There have been varying degrees of what some would call success, but which really, in the bottom line, are failures.

The first movement state that is in the modern era, Oregon, I was peripherally involved in, or about as involved as one can be when one is only just becoming aware and lives half a continent away. I was aware that mothers were working with Bastard Nation and other groups to open the birth certificates for adoptees, only. I signed the petition and my name is on the now famous newspaper ad that sealed the deal. However, not really being aware of all the ins and outs, I listened and learned more than contributed.

Recently, a bill addressing adoptee rights passed in IL. Melisha Mitchell, a natural mother from the EMS took a huge beating from the adoptees, who blame her and the senator she works with, whether rightly or wrongly, for a bill that is so convoluted that it took 83 pages to print out, and was so intricate that it took a magnifying glass to figure out. There were parts of it that are good, there are parts that are awful, but the biggest thing wrong with it is that it leaves adoptees out in the cold, forever, or at least until the issue comes on the legislators plates again, which, if I know my state, will be NEVER...or at least not in our lifetimes. It has been dealt with, it is finished. They have finished legislation that they can tout.

On Melisha's part, she did what she had to do, to work within the parameters of already existing legislation. In order to pass a law, one cannot simply ignore the current statutes. You have to read and understand them and then build a law that works within those parameters to reach a place that can be agreed upon. IL, as some other states, have tightened up their legislation in the past few years, partly as a reaction to the Oregon legislation, but largely at the behest of a panicked industry terrified of what will be made public if the laws allow the records to be opened.   If any doubt that, please read the history of the sealed records in Australia and even closer, in Canada.   The more convoluted the laws become, the more intricately the bills must be written. Hence, the bill drafted by Melisha Mitchell of the White Oak Foundation. She didn't do anything wrong...she did what she had to do to work within the present laws and it was a MESS!

The one thing that has been consistent with pending legislations is that they keep doing the same thing over and over, they present the same tired arguments, and then are surprised and disappointed when the legislations they work so hard to promote don't pass. I would be surprised if they DID!  Einstein said it best in the quote above. I don't think that those who are working for opening the records in various places are insane, but I am surprised that they expect a different outcome from the same old tired stuff.

Here is a thought...get creative! While the people who wish to change things are stuck in the same old rut, the industry, hell bent on keeping things the same, has changed the laws, updated the statutes and morphed to accommodate the changes in legislation in other states. That's one reason why the proposed legislations become more and more convoluted. Working within the current statutes, they HAVE to!   As more and more laws, decisions, and legislations are enacted to maintain the status quo, the proposals to change them have to become more and more intricate to adjust with them.

I believe one reason why there have been few laws passed opening the Original Birth Certificates to adoptees is, in part, due to one giant ommission. The mothers are not included.   The laws are not equal and balanced if the mothers, one of the parties to the adoptions, are not represented in the law. That ommission allows the Evan B. Donaldson Institute and NCFA to step up and deem themselves representative of the mother's interests, because the mothers' interests are unrepresented! We leave them that opening. We also write bills that will not, I don't believe, pass a Supreme Court challenge.

In our nation's Constitution, we have a guarantee of equal protection under the law.  It is impossible for a citizen of the United States to surrender their Constitutionally-guaranteed rights, and the guarantee of equal protection is one of them. I believe that the interpretation that has been the one most commonly interpreted by adoptees and others who support them has seen this as a protection FROM each other. I don't believe that is what the meaning of that is at all. I see this as a guarantee that there will be equal protection of the rights of each individual and to create laws that respect the rights of two parties to a transaction and disregard the rights of the third party cannot pass the Supreme Court challenge.  If the adopted adult and their adopters wish to have identifying information on the mothers, typically the only name on the birth certificate of unmarried women, and the agencies already know it, then the only party in the transaction who has no identifying information is the mother. That creates an unconstitutional, unequal protection of the rights of two parties with a complete disregard for the rights of the third party. I am sure that the legislators understand this, whether the advocates do or not. No one really wishes to be associated with a law that cannot withstand a Constitutional challenge.

I would be so bold as to even go one step further. One reason the laws are so convoluted is that they are based on lies. Then more lies and more legislation has to be created to maintain them.   The lies must be protected so more lies are told to support the original lies.   How about this....make a state or federal law to REPEAL the lies and we can start that by making it illegal to falsify Vital Public Records, or the Amended Birth Certificate that is unique to adoption.   The birth certificates do not belong to the person that they address. They are a government acknowledgment of birth, a government record of the birth of that individual. They belong to the government. There are amendments made to the birth certificates of others besides adoptees. However, when that is done in other instances it does not require that they be sealed, removed from the section of the courthouse where the regular birth certificates are handled and placed in another location under lock and key.   They are AMENDED. Amend

Amend at Dictionary.com
–verb (used with object) 1. to alter, modify, rephrase, or add to or subtract from (a motion, bill, constitution, etc.) by formal procedure

Note that nowhere in the above does it say seal and replace. That is unique to adoption, in almost all cases.

A federal repeal of the fraudulent documents, calling them that, and noting that they are legalized lies, would go a long way. Each state would have to address the situtation, then and either approve or deny it. While there are still some counties that remained dry after the repeal of Prohibition, by and large we were not a dry nation. Now we seem to be drunk on adoption! If we can repeal a bad law that binds people to the mores of a few, why can we not repeal laws that bind people to the lies of their ancestors, both natural and adoptive. The mothers would enjoy equal protection under the laws because the laws would be the truth.

The beautiful thing about REPEAL is that it could be done at either a state or federal level. A few states could repeal the laws in their state and, since modeling is common in legislation, there would be others.

Repeal. It is simple. It is neat. It is doable. Let it begin in Missouri. Let it begin.....

ANONYMITY? LIARS!

2010-09-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

I gave birth to my son on April 18, 1967, getting close to the tail end of the EMS. We have now been reunited for 20 years. I have spent the biggest part of the last 6 years getting pieces of my life from back then. I have regained memories, regained friends, obtained copies of my medical files from the home, the Salvation Army, and my own physicians. As I write this, I am still waiting for a copy of a medical file from 3 years after my son's birth when I had a spontaneous abortion at approximately 6 months. The Navy is looking for those files in their archives and I have been waiting for some time now. I will be calling to check on their progress very soon.

However, with all that, I have no memory of certain events, which can partly be attributed to trauma, to the scopolomine that I was given and the sedatives given to me later. I have almost total recall of the moment when the Major came in and stood by my bedside and told me that my boyfriend had come to get us and they had had him arrested for Trespassing. I have almost total recall of calling my father in hysterics, thinking that my son and I had been about to be saved, only to have it torn away. I can even remember looking out the window as my son was carried away by the social worker. But, one thing I have ZERO memory of and have wracked my brains to find a glimmer of memory of, is signing the papers to surrender him. I don't remember that at all. Not one glint, not one speck, not one iota of a memory.

When I got my records about 5 years ago, I asked them why there wasn't a copy of the Surrender Document in the file. Normally, she said, one was there, but there wasn't one in my file. I asked if that was unusual. She said, yes, very. She had never seen one that DIDN'T contain a copy of the Surrender. She was shocked that one wasn't in there. I wasn't. I am almost certain there isn't one there because one wasn't signed, at least by ME.

In order to "help me" with my recall, she sent me one from the era of my surrender. This one is a little older, dated 1965, but the general specifics are the same, as it was essentially the same form that was used during my time. The critical data is whited out, but it is a generic form that I am posting here. You will notice that parts of it are written in. I am not sure why. Maybe the language was odd. But, please note that no mention is made of mother's confidentiality, no promise of anonymity, not a hint of my never, ever being able to know him. None of that is here. Also, note that, except the parts that are written in, I am referred to as the Mother, and my child as my child. The Birthmother/birthchild is written in; it wasn't a term then.

By the way, when I read it, not one thing on it even registered. You would think it would, wouldn't you?

Read and enjoy...it is here for all to see. Click on them to blow them up but they are darkish. They were on 3 sheets of legal paper so I scanned and cut them up which is why they look odd.

JESUS WEPT!

2010-09-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

Something interesting happened on Craigslist today. A young woman came in who was panicking about being newly pregnant, and her boyfriend is not being supportive. She asked several questions, and got a variety of responses from regular posters there.

Then, out of nowhere, a new poster came in with this,

If you are interested in visiting with some women who have placed a child for adoption or with some young adults who were reared by their adoptive parents, give me a call. I work for an adoption agency and adoption works well for many people. My name is Bob. Visit our website and then give me a call. The number is on the website: http://christianhomes.com/

How interesting that Bob works for an adoption agency that calls itself "Christian Homes" because what Bob is doing is not very Christian at all. Jesus was born to an unmarried mother, in case that fact escaped Bob's notice. The Disciples were very clear about how men should care for the children of their household....in fact, in the Bible that Bob and other Christians profess to follow, 1 Timothy 5:8 says,

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

Why is the redistribution of children the Christian thing to do? Why is it more Christian to take a child away from a mother who is temporarily in financial straits rather than helping her to overcome the straits, or give her a helping hand until she gets on her feet.

I believe that Jesus said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me!" I don't think that he meant by that that the Christians like Bob should "Get them to the adoption agency and take them from their mothers to give to more wealthy Christian folks". I frankly think that Jesus would be appalled at the continued exploitation of women and others who are more vulnerable.

I have seen a Christianity of Hatred coming into our country lately, and frankly it terrifies and disgusts me. I see the Evangelical Preacher, Terry Jones, in Florida who wants to burn 200 Korans in honor of 9/11. The Vatican condemned this action and General Pettraeus said that for them to take this action will cost American lives to be lost, not only overseas but in the United States itself. He asked them to please, not do this. But, Terry Jones said that he intends to do it, and while he feels it will be "tragical" if American lives are lost because of it, he feels no responsiblity. His right, as all Americans, to conduct this foolish and reckless action guaranteed Freedom of Speech in the First Amendment to the Constitution.

I see the entire country in a lather because the Muslims wish to build a Mosque near Ground Zero which they can do because this, the Freedom to worship as you believe, is also guaranteed in the First Amendament. That particular freedom isn't limited to Christians, but is shared by all Americans, even the Muslims are guaranteed that right, too.

And, the other day I read that one in five Americans actually believes that Barack Obama, President of the United States of America and Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces is a Muslim...ONE IN FIVE!!! This is the kind of thing that Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and others used to whip their constituants into a frenzy of hatred with statements like this expressed in veiled innuendo and glib soundbytes.

Our great nation was NOT founded on lies, like the lies that forced and keep adoption records sealed from those they impact. It was not based on hatred and contempt for those less fortunate. Christianity is not based on judgements of others, wealth, entitlement and the sense that if a GOOD Christian wants something, all they have to do is be able to pay for it. In fact, quite the contrary, there is that thing in Matthew about the camel and the eye of the needle thing. Further, Jesus didn't destroy the Moneychangers and those who sold doves and throw them from the temple because they were his favorites! They angered him! He was in a fury! He hated what they were doing to his temple, his holy places.

I read what Bob said, that he is willing, eager even, to take a mother's child because it will enrich his pocket and I am sad and in a fury, too. Then I remember the shortest verse in the Bible, the one that I think of when I see this kind of Christianity and this kind of Christianity I can understand it .......JESUS WEPT! John 11:35

Lily Arthur Response to Proposed Apology in Australia

2010-09-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

The letter below is from Lily Arthur (seen in video interview above) in response to the proposed apology from the Austrailan Government for the Heinous practices used to obtain babies for adoption during the Baby Scoop Era there, which are the identical practices used in the United States, Canada, The UK, and other English speaking nations, and which often continue here today.

Lily Arthur says:

In response to the forthcoming apology to mothers who have lost children to adoption in Western Australia, Origins would like to make the following observations:

Having admitted that past adoption practices in WA were unlawful, the West Australian government has usurped the notion that those responsible for serious crimes committed under Common Law can be rectified by a few chosen words, instead of facing the justice system, thus absolving the perpetrators of premeditated breaches of various statutory Crimes Acts

This (adoption crimes) would be the only instance where the law would absolve perpetrators of serious crimes to face accountability by the legal system. How a dismissal of crimes such as kidnapping, willful intent, Fraud, false imprisonment, assault, and a litany of other such breaches of law can be casually ignored by apologists who have the audacity to think that this attempt of contrition at will placate the victims of such crimes that have remained denied for decades, not only undermines basic human rights but also erodes the criminal justice system

An “apology” without exposure, redress or accountably for criminal behavior is not only an insult to an established legal system but also opens the opportunity for other types of criminal actively to occur on a grand scale, such as past adoption practices. Crimes can be perpetrated on victims with the knowledge that if you can hide your crimes long enough then you can get away with it.

Such mentality would not appease any other family who has had a child forcibly taken away and hidden from them, and yet mothers affected by the theft of their child for the adoption market are seen as an exception to those protected by Common Law, they are not deemed to have the same avenue to the legal system as any other victim of crime

The forthcoming apology may assist those mothers who felt they may have played some part in the surrender of their child, but will not placate those who know they have been treated unlawfully, and Origins Inc will continue to pursue accountability for those mothers who have been affected by these past unlawful practices either through the criminal justice system or though the Civil Law. (Lily Arthur, Origins, NSW)

Thank you, Lily Arthur, and thanks to all the members of Origins worldwide. for their efforts on behalf of mothers of forced surrender.

Mother and Child Reunion

2010-09-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

There was an article that came up on my Google Alerts the other day that I found especially interesting. The article itself was quite short,

Wash. Woman Accused of Sex with Adult Son

SEATTLE — A woman in Washington state accused of having sex with an adult son she had given up for adoption as a baby has been charged with incest.

The 33-year-old man told a sheriff's detective in May that he had a two-year sexual relationship with the woman beginning in 2004 after he tracked her down through an adoption agency.

The Seattle Times reports the incest charge was filed earlier this month against the 54-year-old Kirkland woman in King County Superior Court.

The woman was briefly jailed on Tuesday, then released. If convicted, she could face a year in prison and be required to register as a sex offender.

Information from: The Seattle Times, http://www.seattletimes.com

Copyright © 2010 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

I read the article expecting to get more information about the woman who was arrested for having sex with her 14 year old son surrendered for adoption that was in the news a few weeks ago, that caused such a stir on Facebooks. However, this one was different. This was about 2 adults having what apparently was consensual sex.

There has been an upswing in the number of articles lately about social networking being used by adoptees and natural parents to locate their missing relatives. I think that the adopters are beginning to panic when they discover that the children they adopted are finding their families, despite their best efforts to minimize the possibility. That gives me hope that baby Evelyn will find out the truth of her and her mother, Stephanie Bennett's story before she turns 18. Social media has been a boon for searching adults and, now apparently children, too. It speaks strongly to the desire to know and the compelling call of blood and kin. People want to know their people.

But, this story is about the need to know, the desire to connect, run amok, Genetic Sexual Attraction or GSA. While it has been a recognized phenomenon in the Adoption Community for many years, there is very little discussion about it outside and, since adoption is not high on the public mind, except to get the baby to market, there has been little research into it. One notable exception has been Barb Gonyo, a leading expert on GSA and author of "I'm His Mother, But He's Not My Son", who spent more than a decade struggling with feelings for her son and runs a website, http://www.geneticsexualattraction.com/, aimed at raising awareness about the issue.

So, when I read the article about the 54 year old woman being charged with Incest for having a sexual relationship with her 33 year old refound son, I recognized immediately that it was GSA, but found the details intriguing. The article raised more questions for me than it answered. I posted it as a question on Yahoo Answers, and got the usual mixed bag of responses, but few answers to my questions which I will enumerate here.....

1. Who reported this and why? Was it the adopters? Was it the young man, in a fit of remorse for his sexual behavior? Was it the neighbors or the milkman...who? And, what were they hoping to accomplish?

2. Why, when they are both adults, was she the only one charged with a crime? As the article stated that he is currently 33, the affair began when he was 27, which makes him a fully aware adult, and one would assume in command of his faculties since no one mentioned that he was disabled. Therefore, why was the Mother the only one who was charged with what, in Washington State law is a criminal offense? I would further wonder when was the last time this statute was enforced in Washington? Is this common in Washington state?

3. Will this change any of the Relationship statutes in the states?

4. Will this be a deterrent to others who engage in this behavior?

And, finally, for me the biggie,

5. Why is the relationship between mother and surrendered child ONLY recognized when there is a crime involved. Under any other circumstances, the mother would likely not be recognized as his mother.

I have a goto link of Incest Laws of all the states, in a pdf format that I keep for reference and while it was recently updated, it only lists the bare bones for each state. Washington was there, but good friend looked up the Washington statues in more detail. Here is what she found....

RCW 9A.64.020
Incest.

(1) A person is guilty of incest in the first degree if he engages in sexual intercourse with a person whom he knows to be related to him, either legitimately or illegitimately, as an ancestor, descendant, brother, or sister of either the whole or the half blood.

(2) A person is guilty of incest in the second degree if he engages in sexual contact with a person whom he knows to be related to him, either legitimately or illegitimately, as an ancestor, descendant, brother, or sister of either the whole or the half blood.

(3) As used in this section, "descendant" includes stepchildren and adopted children under eighteen years of age.

According to her reading of the statutes (and mine too!) the adoptee is related only to the adopters and the adoptive family during the time that the child is under the age of 18. The act of adoption severs the bond between natural mother and other family and the child. There is no familial connection what so ever. The child's only familial connection is with the adoptive family. This is symbolically and legally confirmed by the sealing of the adoption records and the issuing of a fraudulent document stating that the adoptive mother gave birth to the child. The child is "as if born to" the adoptive family.

However, all that changes when the child reaches the age of 18. At that time, the laws state that an adoptee is now the same as any other adult, and can now marry or have sexual relationships with every member of the adoptive family, if they choose. The ONLY people to whom the adoptee is now related and can not engage in consensual sexual relationships with is the Natural Family, the blood relatives.

So, in short, the law says that a child when adopted is no longer related to the natural family. They have no legal standing with the child, and it is as if the natural family is "as if dead to" the child. If anyone engages in sexual relations with the adoptee before their 18th birthday, they will be charged with sexual abuse of a minor. However, as soon as that child turns 18, the biological connection is reaffirmed. Suddenly, the connection is again valid, and the only connection recognized by law. And the "Forever Family" no longer is bound by the legal bounds of adoption.

I find all that to be very interesting. I wonder what will come of all this? I wonder if this will change the way that adoption and relationships are viewed under the law. I wonder if this will change the absurdities of the "Forever Family" or the "As if born/dead to" fairytale myths. I wonder if some adoptee will recognize this and use this to their advantage in some fashion to overturn the silly sealed records laws in their state. I cannot help but believe that there is going to be more fallout from this than they have ever imagined, and I believe it will be a good thing.

Corruption flourishes in dark and secret places and nowhere have there been more darkness and secrecy than in adoption as it is practice in the past an into today. Lies, coercion, evasion, fraud, falsified documents, all the other things that are the cornerstones of adoption practices not only allow but encourage destructive outcomes. This incident that we will hear more about in Washington State is one such outcome. The lost children and mothers finding each other on Social Networking is another. I wonder what others we will see in the future. I am not sure what they will be, but one thing I do know....they will happen and we will hear about them. More and more the dysfunction and toxicity of lives built on lies will come to the attention of the media.

I cannot but believe that the Adoption Industry will do more than any of us in the adoption community can possibly do to create its own destruction, and I will love watching it. Popcorn anyone? The show has already begun.

Adoption Newspeak

2010-08-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

In his novel, 1984, George Orwell painted a vivid picture of a future world where everything was controlled by the Party...Big Brother was watching and Newspeak was the acceptable language. The idea behind Newspeak was that by controlling the language, the Party could control the perceptions and thoughts of the populace by eliminating words that allowed creative thinking or shades of meaning.

The ideas espoused in his book were an outgrowth of an idea that Orwell had earlier advanced, a concept he called Constructed Language Basic English, which he promoted from 1942-1945. While 1984 was fiction, the Newspeak idea was one that has since been accepted and advanced under various guises in the social sciences (psychology, sociology, etc) and in sales, marketing and strategizing for the most advantageous way to present concepts, ideas or products. Newspeak has become accepted in the lexicon of today.

Generically, Newspeak has come to mean any attempt to restrict disapproved language by a government or other powerful entity.

During the Era of Mass Surrender, or EMS, Women described their children as "lost to adoption", "given up", "surrendered" , "relinquished" and "taken for adoption".

They described themselves as formerly "unwed (or unmarried) mothers", simply "mother" or "natural mother" of the children to whom they gave birth. They stayed either in "Wage Homes", "maternity homes" or "Homes for Unwed Mothers". The ones who were allowed to remain at home were hidden from sight, so that the neighbors wouldn't see them. If company came, they were sent to hide in their rooms, or in attics or cellars until the company was gone, too shameful for public view, because, according to the families who told the tales at the suggestion of the industry, the girls had "gone to an aunts" or "was visiting out of town", all euphemisms to explain their absence.

In 1972, with the passage of Roe v. Wade, and other civil and human rights laws that allowed women the independence to decide whether or not to parent and provided them the ability to provide for a child if they chose to keep it, there was an almost overnight drop in the number of infants surrendered for adoption. For the first time, women had the ability to earn a living, stay in school, rent an apartment, get credit on her own, and be a full fledged member of society...without a husband or father to give it to her!

The newly formed Adoption Industry, created on the premise of unlimited numbers of infants to be adopted by wealthy and infertile couples was in danger of collapsing. The first few years after the passage of Roe showed huge numbers of adoption agencies, and homes for unwed mothers closing, when just a few years before the supply seemed never-ending and so secure that an entire profession, Adoption Social Worker, was built based upon it. In order to save their dying industry, the newly professionalized industry had to take creative steps.

In the mid to late 1970's focus groups were held and we all know the outcome of those...Open Adoption. However, there were other things that came from those meetings, too. Marketing and Marketing Strategies had to be incorporated, as well. Everything had to be recreated, from the shame-based, religious standpoint that they had previously operated from to a more adoption-friendly, pro-surrender, female empowerment stance, which allowed mothers to believe that their carefully-guided choice to relinquish was their own, rather than having it forced upon them, as was done during the EMS.

Enter Framing -

A frame in social theory consists of a schema of interpretation — that is, a collection of anecdotes and stereotypes—that individuals rely on to understand and respond to events. In simpler terms, people have, through their lifetimes, built series of mental emotional filters. They use these filters to make sense of the world. The choices they then make are influenced by their frame or emotional filters....

...Framing is so effective because it is a heuristic, or mental shortcut. According to Susan T. Fiske and Shelley E. Taylor, human beings are by nature “cognitive misers”, meaning they prefer to do as little thinking as possible. Frames provide people a quick and easy way to process information. Hence, people will use the previously mentioned mental filters (a series of which is called a schema) to make sense of incoming messages. This gives the sender and framer of the information enormous power to use these schemas to influence how the receivers will interpret the message.

...Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman have shown that framing can affect the outcome (IE. the choices one makes) of choice problems, to the extent that several of the classic axioms of rational choice do not hold. This led to the development of prospect theory as an alternative to rational choice theory... (emphasis added)

In short, Framing WORKS. Quick to pick up on this, social workers, psychologists and other found ways to frame people's experiences to change their perceptions of that episode, in order to achieve the desired effect, often healing on the part of the patient. As an example, people who had been the victim of crimes were no longer referred to as VICTIM, but the more empowered, SURVIVOR. No one denies that the person, in order to achieve Survivor status had to first be Victimized by the crime, but suddenly the word, VICTIM was no longer acceptable. This was used frequently in rape crisis counseling, so that the women who had been traumatized by their experience, could move past their "victim-hood" into the more positive "survivor-hood".

However, there were others who had less noble ideas in mind for these same principles. It was used to increase sales, and for developing effective marketing strategies. You have seen this in action on HGTV, when the Realtors who are showing a home refer to their clients as "My Buyers". You experience it when you go to a hotel or restaurant, where you are no longer renting a room for the night or treating your family to dinner, but are suddenly the restaurant or hotel's "Guest", as if you were an old friend come to visit. You no longer have a waitress, but a "server" and the list of examples can go on and on.

The adoption industry, already in crisis mode, jumped on this new way of changing perceptions by changing language and took it in a more sinister direction. Marietta Spencer, Minneapolis Adoption Social Worker, used the concept of framing to change the outcomes when she created and coined Positive Adoption Language in the mid 1970's. In 1989, California Adoption Attorney, Matt Widelock even created a list of Positive vs. Negative Adoption Language to guide the message. Suddenly, mothers who surrendered their children for adoption were no more. Now Birthmothers, working closely with their social worker, formed an adoption plan, for placement of the newborn with a Loving Home where the Adoptive Parents (adopters is too sterile and limits them to one function...adopting) were just waiting for the birthmother (so called even before she delivers the infant), to deliver their baby. All so very PC, so civilized, so positive, so subtle, so inherently coercive, so Adoption Newspeak .

This has been further adjusted in the new millenia as Respectful Adoption Language, in 2004, which has been further tweaked to the point where the Prospective Adoptive Parents, or Paps no longer even have a "homestudy.

This term carries with it an old view of the process as a weeding out or judgment. Today, more and more agencies are coming to view their role as less God-like and more facilitative. The preferred positive term, then, is parent preparation, a process whereby agency and prospective adopters come to know one another and work toward expanding a family."

The author of the article on Respectful Adoption Language, Patricia Irwin Johnson, even gives a reluctant nod to the Era of Mass Surrender. I don't think it was done willingly, but grudgingly due to the mothers of that time who had begun speaking out, and the release of the book by adoptee Ann Fessler, The Girls Who Went Away, an account of the well-documented experiences of numerous Baby Scoop Era (or EMS) mothers. After this, they no longer could pretend they were not aware that "horrible things happened back then" and think that a whispered acknowledgement to a sobbing EMS Mother would suffice In her article in Perspective Press, she says,

In the past, it is true, birthparents often had little choice about the outcome of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. In earlier times they did indeed surrender, relinquish, give up and even sometimes abandon their children. These emotion-laden terms, conjuring up images of babies torn from the arms of unwilling parents, are no longer valid except in those unusual cases in which a birthparent’s rights are involuntarily terminated by court action after abuse or neglect.

Since we now are aware that Framing a discussion changes outcomes by changing perceptions and that Adoption Newspeak is a method of Framing that pertains to Adoption, to suggest that women who make decide on adoption are doing so willingly, and without coercion from the adoption industry who profit from it would be disingenuous and naive. It works, we know it works, the industry knows it works and they are making a tidy profit each time it does.

Orwell, I think, would be pleasantly surprised at just how far the Party has come when Newspeak is applied to adoption. The cover picture of Time Magazine (shown at left) where Orwell is proclaimed "Big Brother's Father" makes one wonder if he is actually Big Brother's Adoptive Father. Newspeak seems tailored for the Adoption Industry in 1984, and as fact often imitates fiction, today and into the future we and our children actually live in.

Beware, Mothers....Big Brother is watching.....

Music and Dance

2010-08-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

...let me dance for you

oh, please, let me dance for you

because it is the only thing I know to do

Last night I spoke to a friend of mine who not too long ago became a widow. She and her husband had been married or involved with one another since she was 13 years old, almost 50 years ago. A marriagethat had its share of good times and bad. While the marriage wasn't particularly satisfying to her, nevertheless, she misses the partner with whom she shared so many years, so much of herself that was private between them and which no other person can share. Truly, no matter what happens, that man can never be replaced in her life.

I have heard marriage described as a dance. We dance and dance and finally, someone comes along whose dance matches ours. We dance together for a time, eventually developing intricate steps that only the partner with whom we created the steps know how to do. When a dance partner leaves, for whatever reason, we are left to try to dance alone, the intricate steps of our dance with no partner who knows them, to match them, to waltz with us.

All relationships, indeed, are a dance, including reunion. We each dance around the edges of the our truths, and believe that we will move to more rhythmic steps as time progresses. Sometimes one partner leads for a while and then we change so that the other partner does. Hopefully we learn the intricate steps and find lovely new dances that we create together. .Sometimes they do, but often we both keep dancing the steps with which we are familiar.

The dance of reunion sometimes includes long graceful waltzes, slow minuets, but, more often there are, instead, herky-jerky hiphop, increasingly frenetic tribal dances and then, when exhaustion sets in, long breaks, when complete silence is the standard. The orchestra must rest, the parties must rest and during the silences they heal.

Mothers wish that they could get their babies back. We want them so badly, we long for the infant that was so rudely and cruelly removed from our wombs and from our arms. We dream of the infant, crying for his mother, and yet, we are met by a grown man or woman, not the infant we lost and long for.

Adoptees have spent their lives imagining their mothers, too. They hold in their child's imagination, a princess, a fairy queen, an angel. What they find at the end of their search is a woman. Not a mythical being, but an every day woman with flaws in her face, her body and her character. A full grown woman who, for better or worse, is a composite of all her experiences both good and bad. That must be shocking, possbily too shocking for some to overcome.

When you are dancing solo, there is no one to care if you decide to sit out a set or two or even more. The time you waste is yours. You set your own tempo and pick your own steps, not concerned that the partner you wish for may not be able to keep up, not match your steps or your tempo or your rhythm.

When you are dancing in a relationship there is another person whose time you are wasting. While some wait, and sit out dance after dance, the mother partners music is slowing. Time, which at one time seemed endless and long, now is relentlessly, endlessly ticking away our life's music. Time is not our friend and never was. We anxiously watch it relentlessly ticking, knowing that we are aging and our dancing days are fewer and fewer. We pray that our children will recognize that our steps are slowing and our graceful pirouettes are behind us. We do more swaying, hoping that our rhythm is simple enough to allow our partner to match us.

The dancers come more slowly to the dance floor each time, with shorter sets, slower dances and longer breaks in between, until eventually we no longer come to the dance floor, and the dancers remaining must dance alone.

Love You Forever

2010-08-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

I'll love you forever

I'll love you for always

As long as I'm living

My baby you'll be...

This morning, I spoke to a friend who pretty much announced that she was ending an almost 15 year old reunion. She is sending her son a letter that draws a line in the sand, and stating that the behavior that has been status quo in the relationship between them for the past decade and more is not acceptable. It never was, but the mother, fearful of losing what little she had, accepted behavior that would, if it came from one of the children she raised, ended in some tough talk or more. However, according to the common wisdom, adoptees must have control over the relationships in reunion, since they had little or no control over the circumstances that led to their adoptions.

Another friend, one who is reunited for 10 years, and had one of the 'better' reunions with her daughter, inadvertently said something on her blog, which resulted in a note from her daughter severing their relationship. She said nothing to her reunited daughter, but spoke only of her feelings about one aspect of adoption and the impact it had on HER life. That was the one thing too much that, at least for now, has caused an insurmountable rift in their relationship.

I know an adoptee whose 10 year reunion closed a while ago, because she went against her mother's wishes and introduced herself to her siblings. I am not sure why the mother didn't want it to happen, if she was still stuck in the shame, if there was a reason, or simply her paranoia.  For whatever reason, it is apparently at a standstill....mother not speaking to the adoptee.

I know another mother, who was reunited with her son. The mother did everything for the young man, paying his education, his home, paid for his wedding, etc. She had never had other children, so when reunited, this one was the world to her.   She even divorced her husband because of her son. Possibly she and her husband would have divorced anyway, but he definitely precipitated things.  The mother and her adoptee have had an off-again-on-again kind of reunion, much like the rest, except that this mother about broke her arm doing her penance. She wore the responsibility for his loss like a hair shirt, and defied anyone to say that she wasn't responsible.   She allowed all his bad behavior because he was the adoptee, and he felt abandoned. She made a misstep and her reunion, another 20 year one, also ended abruptly.

Next week will be the 20th anniversary of the reunion between my son and I. 20 years ago on September 7, 1990, while I was fixing dinner, the phone rang. I answered the phone and the woman on the other end, the social worker who handled Post Adoption Services at the Baby Fold, in Normal, IL called me to tell me that she had received a call from a young man that day, "looking for his mother." She remembered that I had also called that day to check, as I did on a regular basis, to see if there was any change, any interest, any updates in my file about my son. She put the two of us together, called and asked me if I still wanted contact, and five minutes later, I spoke to my son.

It has had its moment, both good ones and bad ones. I have been in his physical presence exactly one time in all these 20 years. I have made the 1000 mile trip, now, 4 times only to be stood up or to find him 'too busy to get away' after he encouraged me to come. I understand that he is afraid, overwhelmed by my nearness. I get that. The last time we spoke I reminded him that we have 20 years almost, and we haven't come very far in all those years. He said he knew that and sighed.

I am sure that there must be a normal relationship between reunited family members somewhere, but the ones I know are often not healthy relationships. I see mothers grieving online for their now adult 'children' and bemoaning the fact that, in order for them to continue the relationship, we accept crumbs.

If we are dealing with damaged inner children in our reunited children, then the inner child cannot be in charge. The inner child of our children is an infant, crying for their mothers, and need a strong hand and a mother with clear boundaries who will set them aright when they cross them. But, mothers don't do that. You cannot do that to another adult, even though the adult is our child.

As I spoke to my friend today, one of the most clear-eyed women it has ever been my pleasure to know, she said something that really, truly resonated with me. She said, "I have put up with awful behavior from him, that I would NEVER have accepted from my other children, because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing him. But, I already did."    I did, too. I put up with my son's accusations, his pullbacks and other behaviors that would have put my raised children's noses into the corner, even grown up! I would NEVER have allowed the things from them that I did from him....because I was afraid of losing him, too, but the sad truth is...he's already gone. We already lost our babies.   They can never, ever come back to us again.

How long is long enough to give to a one-sided relationship? Is 5 years enough? Is 10 years not quite enough? Do they need more time after 15 - 17? Is 20 years too much? Who knows? And, often times, who even cares? I guess I do, for now.

When my children were young, my favorite book to read them was Love You Forever.    I loved the refrain in it, quoted above.   Somehow, I could never, ever make it through the book without crying, so they didn't hear it often. But, I read it a lot. I hate adoption!

Happy Anniversary, Son. I love you...

Sinners and Saints

2010-08-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

The Yellow Emperor said ''The principle of Yin and Yang is the foundation of the entire universe. It underlies everything in creation. It brings about the development of parenthood; it is the root and source of life and death it is found with the temples of the gods In order to treat and cure diseases one must search for their origins."

The Yin and Yang, as it represents the dual nature of life, also represents the dual nature of adoption. While the common concept is of the Adoption Triad, I have personally never found that concept to be very satisfying, very accurate or even very true. There seems to be an assumption of equality in this, as if there are only three parties, with equal power and equal impact. This has never been the case, nor does it include the others who gain from adoption, including the attorneys, the agencies, the states who wield the power over records, the lobbyists and the other parties who have created an entire industry around adoption, and they are, arguably, the seat of the most power and influence.

Others have argued that adoption would be better represented as a plane, where all sides and possibilities are present, but that never resonated with me, either. It was sterile and seemed to imply that all things are possible, all experiences are equal. That is imply not true, either.

Personally, I have always felt that Adoption, at least from the standpoint of the mothers of the EMS, was better represented by the Yin/Yang...the gainers, and the losers.

The mothers lost, no question. We lost our babies, we lost our sense of stability, the power to influence our own outcome, the right to be our own women, the right to parent our own children. We also lost our trust, our youth, our naivete, our innocence, and the women we were destined to grow into.

Arguably, our children also lost. Many will admit, especially the adoptees of the EMS, that they were bewildered by the loss of their mothers, a bewilderment from which some adoptees never recovered. They all lost their heritage, their lineage, their history (both medical and family) and they lost the adults that they, too, were destined to become when they were created in their mother's womb.

The other side of the equation, the side of gain, the side that profited from adoption, include, but are by no means limited to, the adopters, who most directly profited by gaining a child. They will argue that they lost their imagined child, the child of their dreams, the shadow child that never was, and the loss of whom they hope to correct by adoption, but never the less, they gain a child to love and care for. No matter that it isn't the child of their imagination...it is a child to love.

Another party of gain in adoption is the Adoption Industry, that includes the attorneys, the Agencies and social workers, and the brokers who locate possible children to be surrendered. These are some of the immediate beneficiaries of adoption, the HAVES, or the ones who gain and profit by the mothers' and adoptees' losses.

Other, more shadowy and less direct beneficiaries of adoption loss are also represented on the gainers side of the equation. Their less direct connection makes them less obviously recipients of the bounty. One such group, The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, has become almost mainstream and totally acceptable to some mothers. Their opening paragraph from their website, on the surface sounds so benign, so cerebral, but when you read it from the standpoint of loss, of one side or the other, it is less so...

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute conducts original research on critical issues in adoption designed to inform, educate, and most of all, to change reality on the ground in ways that tangibly improve both people's lives and adoption practices. In addition, the Institute provides resources for researchers and anyone interested in obtaining reliable, unbiased information about adoption.

The E. B. Donaldson mission is to re frame adoption. The do so by tweaking the language to encourage women to surrender. They do research to find better, more positive sounding ways of subtly encouraging women to relinquish their newborns. They also have changed their approach to seem much more empowering to women who are faced with an inconvenient pregnancy, with terminology designed to encourage the most positive outcome for the industry that pays them. Their subtlety is their danger for mothers, desperate for allies, because it camouflages their intent. One only has to remember their full name to be reminded.

Another such organization, the NCFA or the National Council for Adoption, is more direct. They also do research to try to identify ways to entice women to Surrender. They are more overt, as their membership, the Adoption Agencies, are in business to make a profit, and the NCFA is their lobbyist arm. They also, taking note, I believe, of the efforts of Donaldson to soften their message have now brought in Chuck Johnson (blog from earlier this month) who is a much softer sell type than the Infamous William Pierce, or the more recent Tom Atwood. Johnson, who privately seems an affable "nice-guy" who really earnestly WANTS to do the right thing, is still the shill for the most open enemy of mother's rights. They have begun to tone things down, soften their message, show some "compassionate concern" for mothers well-being, and their possibility for "heroic redemption" by sacrificing their infants for adoption.

It is easier to dislike the NCFA as an organization than the E.B. Donaldson Institute, because they are a bit more flagrant in their focus, which they outlined in what amounted to their manifesto (shown at left) in the summer of 2006. In it they outlined everything they would be doing to increase the numbers of domestic infants surrendered for adoption in the United States. They gave a point by point summary of their plan, and they have followed through on it, and yet, despite that, mothers and others are continually surprised and outraged at their audacity.

The yin and yang also indicates the dual nature of the participants, the Saints and Sinners...for example, if the adopters are The Saints, taking in "unwanted" children, the alternate side is the Mothers or The Sinner, a woman who doesn't want the child. They can be cast as students trying to get a degree, women who are in a difficult place in their life and typify surrender as simply a choice, like not aborting, to place their children after crafting, with a social worker, an adoption plan for the infant. These are the ones who are "restoring their honor", "redeeming themselves, heroically, as noted in the NCFA's publication, "Birthmother, Good Mother: Her Story of Heroic Redemption".

The more saintly adopters, those who earn their wings by adopting from foster care have as their alternate the the more sinful crack whores, the slatterns who would rather drug, drink, carouse than be bothered with getting her act together to parent her children. "After all, women don't lose their children to CPS for no reason, do they?" Unfortunately, while this is no longer a fact, either in the US or the UK, or likely other countries, these stereotypes die hard. Especially when there are people whose careers and livelihoods depend on the stigma remaining.

Unfortunately, adoption is so well-entrenched in our society that it is difficult to impress upon a people who have been allowed few remaining heroes. America WANTS to believe that adoption is indeed the loving option that the industry paints it to be, that it is a win/win/win situation, that children don't notice the switcheroo played on them, that mothers who surrender their infants really do go on to lead better lives and truly do forget. But, deep inside themselves, in a place where they don't want to see, they know that it simply isn't so. Given a moment to think about it, to even consider it, they know that the other side, the dual nature of adoption is the grieving mother and the bewildered infant searching for its mother.

In everything there is a darker side. Adoption is no different. There are winners, there are those who profit, and then there is us.

*Note: When spell checking this before publishing, I noticed something odd. The words, Adoptee, birthmother, crackwhore are not recognized by my spell checker. However, the word, Adopter, is what they suggest as an alternative to Adoptee. I thought that was interesting.

I DON'T THINK SO!

2010-08-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

"...to improve adoption process U.S. Senators Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Mary Landrieu (D-LA), Sam Brownback (R-KS), and Tim Johnson (D-SD) have introduced legislation to strengthen pre- and post-adoption support services for American adoptive families."

Yesterday I heard of pending legislation in the U.S. Senate, Senate Bill S3726, sponsored by Democrats Landrieu, Klobuchar, Brownback and Johnson. It was read twice in the Senate and sent to the Finance Committee where it is currently. It is cited as the "Supporting Adoptive Families Act" and is a measure designed to appease the Russian government. They want to restart the flow of adoptees coming after they stopped all adoptions following the unaccompanied return to Russia of 8 year old Artyom Savelyev by his Tennessee "Forever Family" . This was the final straw for the Russians who were already rightfully upset due to the numerous deaths and abuse of Russian children adopted by American parents that Bastardette has chronicled in her blog, Nobody is Forgotten.

The bill will further increase Adoption Welfare, both before and after adoptions of children from foster care, but for the first time will include adoptees who are adopted from foreign countries, including Russia. And, while the fact that the adoption welfare already in place will be extended to those who adopt internationally, once again, there is NOTHING to support the natural families, to support keeping them together, or to support them when there is a loss...and certainly no mental health care.

One thing that is disturbing is the funding source, our Social Security. It is the funding source for this, as well as the money to support foster care and all adoption welfare. The entire proposal, in fact, is an "Amendment to Ensuring Well-Being of Adopted Children and Adoptive Families-Section 421 of the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C.621)."

There is discussion in the Legislature (isn't there always!) that to be a good and patriotic American, we should forgo our Social Security benefits until we are 70 or so, and to do less is somehow subversive and greedy. Pshaw! I don't see the Leggies lining up to donate their salaries and pensions, by the way. Social Security is a form of insurance, guaranteeing an income in our old age. We pay into it for our entire working lives and expect to receive what we have been promised and paid for. However, Legislators have seen it as a bottomless money pot from which they can dip endlessly, for funding. It simply isn't so!

To suggest that people who have worked their entire lives, served their nation in war, and earned a peaceful and comfortable retirement should either stay in their jobs or seek employment is disingenuous and dangerous, especially when one of the reasons, besides supporting wars that no one wants, is to fund "services", ONLY for children who are adopted, either from foster care or internationally! That creates yet another special class of citizens who demand services not available to others.

These would be both Pre and Post Adoption Services for both adopters and the children they adopt to overcome the damage done that allowed them to be adopted and the adoption itself, but not one cent would be allocated to support families in crisis, or mothers in distress. In fact, the services currently available to families is shrinking due to the worst economic condition since the Great Depression, while the services for adoption are being expanded? I don't think so!

I was incarcerated in a Salvation Army Home for Unwed Mothers. Every year at Christmas time when I see the Red Kettle and am approached by a Salvation Army person, I tell them, "I already GAVE." I gave my son to adoption. I feel the same way about the money from my Social Security Tax being used to support, encourage and expand adoptions.

I wish I knew a mathematician or tax accountant who would be able to tell me what portion of every tax dollar went for this. And, if this expansion of services goes in to effect, how will that increase it? Then, I would like to subtract that portion from the taxes I pay and donate it to services that support natural families in crisis, something that this economy will only see more of!!

(Mis)Perceptions

2010-08-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I Corinthians 13:11

A friend related an incident to me yesterday and as we discussed it, I realized that it was a perfect example of something I have been trying to convey for some time. She said that she was driving on the interstate. A car pulled up next to her and the people in it were waving frantically, pointing and mouthing things to her. She thought that she may have inadvertantly committed some traffic faux pas, maybe cut them off or some other thing of which she was unaware. She was totally clueless as to what she had done that had made them so very angry, but as it continued and they disregarded her shrugged shoulders, confused looks and mouthed apologies she began to get angry herself. She fought the desire to simply flip them off and go on her way, but their agitation increased along with her dis-ease. Fortunately, the next exit was hers, and she gratefully made her exit and pulled into the parking lot of her destination. Shaken, she left her car, and as she walked past it, she noticed that there was a problem with the driver's side tire. They hadn't been angry or rude...they were trying to get her the message that SHE WAS ABOUT TO HAVE A BLOWOUT which at highway speeds could have been fatal, not only to her, but to others as well. Her anger and distress passed, immediately replaced by a feeling of relief and thanks that they had attempted to warn her. It was all in her perception.

When our EMS era adult adoptees speak of their feeling of being abandoned by their natural mothers, it frequently strikes a sour note with Natural Mothers. EMS Mothers know abandonment, having been abandoned, willfully, intentionally, and directly by every single person to whom we turned. We were abandoned by our parents, by our friends, by our churches, schools and neigbors, by our physicians, our pastors, our teachers, our sisters and brothers, and by all of society. We KNOW what it is to be abandoned, and we know it on a conscious level, having been accutely aware of each person who turned their backs on our pleas for help.

Mothers of the EMS know what betrayal feels like, too, like the betrayal that Jesus must have felt when Judas kissed him. We know what it feels like to be betrayed and abandoned by EVERY SINGLE PERSON in our lives. We also know that that is NOT what we did to our infants, no matter what it feels like to them on a subconscious level.

Taking a woman's child from her is not as simple as picking up a toy on the playground. In order to do that, you have to break her first. You must convince her that she is not worthwhile as a woman, a mother or even a human being. You must convince her that her humanness is so subpar that her child will be better off without her, and that she is so abhorrent that even to have regular people SEE her would be an affront to decency itself. That was accomplished by abandoning the mothers to the homes for unwed mothers, the wage homes, where women were trotted out as specimens, or simply being hidden at home away from prying eyes. This was NOT a matter of skewed perception but of actual, factual happenings in our lives, happenings of which were were acutely aware as events unfolded.

If an adult adoptee reads Ann Fessler's, The Girl Who Went Away, and understands that, by and large, despite different characters, different details, our stories are largely all the same. Having been abandoned, we struggled to convince ourselves that we were giving a wonderful gift to our children. We were not abandoning them…we were giving them a wonderful new life, a new family and new homes where they would have all the things that we were unable to provide for them, free from the judgment and punishment that we experienced. They wouldn't be called Bastard on the playground, they would have lovely homes with married mothers and fathers to whom they were being hurriedly sent. Not only would they not miss us, they would be better off without us.

We thought that hearing our stories, reading Ann Fessler, and knowing the truth about adandonment, their perceptions would change and they would accept us, if not as mothers, at least as caring human beings connected to them by DNA, experience and the life we gave them. While adult adoptees tell how they feel as if they were abandoned, mothers actually WERE. It is not a free-floating anxiety or a non-verbal feeling. It was real, it was actual and it is remembered.

While mothers understand the feelings of the adult adoptee when they reunite, it is confusing later when the now adult adoptee continues to insist on their feelings being right. It is hurtful to mothers, who themselves were abandoned, to know that is how their now adult children continue to feel despite their protestations, the literature, and the truth of their own eyes. They seem to have a need to continue to perceive their experience from the viewpoint of the infant, wailing in the cot for their mothers who are physically restrained from coming to them

The woman I spoke to yesterday went from anger and rage, directed at the people in the car next to her, to gratitude and relief when she realized what they were trying to tell her. None of the details changed. None of the events changed. The only thing that changed in that scenario was her perception when she had full knowledge and understanding of their intent. Why is that so simple when it is strangers in an automobile on the interstate, but so difficult when it is the mother who gave birth? What must we mothers do to make it clear that despite their perception, we did not abandon or betray our infants? How DO you change another’s perception if the truth isn’t enough?

FORMAL NOTICE

2010-08-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is a notice to all bloggers, and people who maintain forums

There is a woman, known by many different identities, who is stalking several of us on the internet. She is formerly from Oregon, but has moved to Indiana. She posts under various names, including CUB mom, Blue Clue, and several others. Her name is Vickie and you have likely seen allusions to her on my blog and on the blog of others, including Motherhooddeleted, Robin.

She has been banned from every forum that I can think of, and has now switched her tactic to posting on Guest Books, such as the one for The Adoption Show, and blogs, like Daily Bastardette.. These are the ones that we are aware of, since the owners of these are friends and asked us about them and forward the comments to us.

If you are a blog owner, a forum moderator or maintain any place where she can post comments and she posts one with my name, Robin's name or Amy's, please forward them to one of us. Do not simply brush them off, or try to protect our feelings by just deleting them. We know she is doing this. I have letters that were sent to my work, letters sent to my home, her comments on my blog and those of Amy and Robin and letters sent to other people and places.

You can reach us through our blogs, or many of you have our email addresses. The more activity of hers that we can document, the stronger our case will be when it finally comes time to press charges.

The police in three states and another country have been notified and there are police reports of her actions in all these locations. The police and agencies are waiting to take steps. Your cooperation in forwarding the comments and whatever tracking you can do would be helpful. The more information, the stronger the case.

Thank you for your assistance with this. Stalkers like this make the what is a useful tool for the exchange of ideas and information into another venue for insanity to run amok! It is time to stop this, and Vickie, if you see this, you MUST STOP NOW.

Sandy Confidential

2010-08-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

Seventeen year old me. This is my senior picture for the yearbook. Just a few months later, on my 18th birthday, I became pregnant with my son.

I dug this out for the "CONFIDENTIAL" to be stamped across my face as a member of SMAAC and a natural mother in support of adoptees who are fighting for their Original Birth Certificates. When I saw it, I realized how young, expectant, full of hope and dreams I was, and how sad. lonely and full of despair I would be just a few months later.

I sent this to the a woman who adds the stamp over the pictures, CONFIDENTIALfor mothers, DENIED for adoptees. This is what came back. This makes me unutterably sad.

Once upon a time I was Sandy....now I am Sandy Confidential.....I wish I could be Sandy again.

The Castro Family of San Antonio

2010-08-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Julian (L) and Joaquin (R) Castro

Yesterday, in my comments, I mentioned that the Mayor of San Antonio is the twin brother of my state representative. I had met him at meetings a few years ago while working  on Nemoway's Bill, legislation based on a family in San Antonio who were fighting an adoption that took place through CPS. The mother's rights were terminated, rightfully, I understand, due to drug use. However, there was an Aunt and Grandmother who wanted to take the child in, had agreed to do so in order that she not lose her family heritage, her culture and her lovely name, Nemoway. They were taking the required steps to adopt her, but, before the termination of parental rights were ever signed into effect, CPS had ALREADY fast track adopted her out to a waiting family. The Aunt and Grandmother fought in court, and all the way to Austin, but ultimately lost. However, they got a law passed in Texas, known as Nemoway's Law, that guarantees that family members now get first option on a child before outside adoptions can be completed. Thank God for that!

One interesting side note on that is Nemoway's name. When she went to the White Adopters, they told her that her name was ugly and changed it. There were 2 other daughters who were born into the family, and the newest adopted addition, little Nemoway-of-the-ugly-name. All of the girls, every one, including Nemoway, now carry a variation of the adoptive mother's name. Not too much ego there!

Joaquin Castro, state legislator for this area worked very actively on this legislation. He was at several of the meetings I attended, and was also honored guest at a dinner I attended much later, after the law was passed, hosted by the Nemoway's natural family, as a THANK YOU to the volunteers who worked so hard to try and get Nemoway home, and ultimately get her law passed.  I was a little surprised, actually, at how actively involved in the entire procedure he had been, but since I hadn't worked on Legislation before, accepted it as standard.

The other twin, Julian Castro, mayor of the city of San Antonio, is also a remarkable young man. He was recently on the Colbert Report, discussing the Arizona legislation and Texas's reaction to it. He is being groomed, apparently, to be the Latino candidate for President.

I knew that one of the twins was the mayor and one the representative, but couldn't remember which was which. I didn't want to confuse them, so I googled them. I discovered a very interesting fact about them that may be one reason that Joaquin was so receptive to Nemoway's family.   VDARE.com, in an article about why Julian is being considered as a candidate for President, notes the following....

Julian and Joaquin Castro are the twin sons of Rosie Castro, a prominent San Antonio 1960s Chicana college militant. (They were born out of wedlock—their seldom-mentioned father is a community organizer turned teacher named Jesse Guzman.)

Rosie was a radical activist in the La Raza Unida Party co-founded by José Angel Gutiérrez, the son of a Texas doctor and author of A Chicano Manual on How to Handle Gringos. Allan Wall wrote about Gutiérrez in VDARE.com in 2004 in Who is Jose Angel Gutierrez—And What Does He Want?

Gutiérrez co-authored the 2007 book, Chicanas in Charge: Texas Women in the Public Arena, which devotes Chapter Nine to Rosie Castro. (emphasis added)

Joaquin, Julian & Rosie Castro

Joaquin and Julian Castro were born to an unwed mother. Granted, his mother, Rosie, is a Latina woman and a militant activist. I have met her, and their father, too, although I didn't know who he was at the time. She is lovely, a woman with a presence. Latinos, for the most part, didn't lose their children to adoption. But, she was in college at the time, and an activist student. There were Latinas who did lose children to adoption during the EMS, especially the ones who were upwardly mobile, as she clearly was.

Most significantly to me, however, is the fact of their birth date....born September 16, 1974...less than a year after the enactment of Roe vs. Wade. There was such a shift in thinking about that time, due to the changes in the Civil Rights Laws that ALLOWED women, for the first time, to be autonomous individuals, not entirely dependent on men for their identity and support. The shift was dramatic, almost an overnight change.

Activist Rosie Castro

Rosie, as an educated and savvy Latina woman must have been aware of the option that opened for her to abort these twins, and likely the thought may have whiffed through her mind. She is probably Catholic, as typically Latinas are, but for an activist woman, that may have had little bearing. She could parent them successfully and she did.

Will this make the march in July 2011 a more receptive audience than previous marches, a better attended march, guarantee a more sympathetic ear from the Mayor and his brother the State Legislator, one of the many to whom this conference (and by default march) is geared...that remains to be seen. However, we know there is an awareness.

I intend to contact Rosie Castro. I would love to have her there at the demonstration, with us in the SMAAC booth, activist and mother! She is a woman who KNOWS the struggle of mothering, and raising good children as a single mother. Her boys are proof of what mothers of the EMS contend...with a little help, we could have raised children as well as any mother, married or un. We can learn a lesson from Rosie Castro! I hope she will come. She is my newest hero!

YEEE HA!!!

2010-08-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

San Antonio skyline

Okay, I am officially excited! I had wanted to join the adoptees in their march on Philly. I wanted to go to the one in New Orleans, too, which would have returned me to the city where my husband and I worked after Katrina to help rebuild. This time I would have stayed in a hotel, not the tent we lived in for 6 months, with our closest neighbor an 8 foot alligator!

Last fall, when the march was being talked about in Kentucky, I was in my home state of Illinois and had thought that I would join them there, and even discussed with some of the organizers on the phone, and reaching an agreement that mothers have the opportunity to be represented there, too, presenting our agenda of justice and equal access to identifying information. Then, my husband's job in Illinois, which was temporary anyway (but I am the eternal optimist), was completed and he was terminated and home we came. The economy, that is tough for young people fresh out of college is tough, but for older men with decades of experience it is brutal! So, we tightened our belts and Louisville faded in importance compared to house payment, taxes, groceries and utilities.

On Monday my husband started a brand new job, one from which he from which he will eventually retire....in about 20 years. He will be home most evenings and every weekend, a first for us since he has always traveled in his work. That's one reason that I retired, so I coculd go along. Now, we won't have to!

The Alamo, the seat of Texas Liberty

Today, to make my cup of good fortune runneth over, I found out that the next march will be in a place to which it is simple to get, via plane, train and automobile, the rental rooms can be had for a wide range of reasonable prices, it is a tourist mecca, is historically significant with a rich past, is a military epicenter, and is culturally and ethnically diverse. They are coming to my home city of San Antonio!

I cannot express how excited I am that this is happening here next year! I am so looking forward to meeting some of the people who have been my friends online and see old friends once again! I want to look at Texas Legislators and Illinois Legislators and Missouri Legislators (the states to which I have a personal interest) and tell them why I am so not afraid of having my son find me that we did so 20 years ago! And, that adoptees have EVERY right to their Original Birth Certificate.

SMAAC Mothers will have a booth there, with me in it, telling the legislators that we have every right to not only the Surrender Document and the Original Birth Certificate, which we should have received in the first place, but also, equal access as the adoptee and the adopters, to identifying information which, in our case would be the Amended Birth Certificate. I would also like to respectfully submit the wild idea that SMAAC Mothers and other mothers of the past want justice for the criminal practices that were used to wrest their infants from them during the EMS, the time period upon which all current laws and practices are based and the foundation of the Adoption Industry as we know it today.

Boatrides on the Riverwalk

I am eager to show off my beautiful city. Just one thing to remember about Texas in July....hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Most of the year, San Antonio is warm, temperate and lovely. However, true San Antonians try like the devil to limit their outside exposure during the month of July and August, because it is so hot and so humid. Last year, at the tail end of the worst (2 years!) drought in history, the month of July was one solid month of 100+ degree days, followed immediately by more of them in August. It was miserably hot, but the humidity was extremely low. This year, while we have yet to reach 100, the humidity has been beastly, which makes it almost more miserable! Who knows what the weather will be next year? Who knows what the weather will be tomorrow? We have an expression here.....if you don't like the weather in Texas, just wait a minute...after all, this is Texas, Darlin'!

Boots at North Star Mall

I so look forward to welcoming you all to Texas. Grab your cowboy hats and your boots, your denims and your diamonds and ya'll come on down here to Beautiful San Antonio, one of the United States Top Unique Cities, home of the Alamo and the San Antonio Spurs, the location of the 2011 State Legislators's Conference and the next Adoptee Rights March with Mothers in the mix. Now, lets kick up some dust!

As we say down here....YEEEEE HA!!

Isn't it Ironic?

2010-08-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

"Ironic"

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

~Alanis Morissette~

For the longest time mothers of the BSE who lost our children to forced surrender for adoption have been saying that we are sick and tired of representatives of the Adoption Industry having the audacity to speak on our behalf. The industry that profited by the losses of 6 million babies, born to mothers who largely were incarcerated, isolated, abused, our civil and human rights violated, who are being abused STILL, and by the same damn people that profited by it initially!

Whenever a sound byte will boost an article on pending legislation to open records, or a new White Paper is released, or someone is wondering how Mothers feel about any issue that affects us or our lost children it is not to the mothers themselves that the media turns. Despite the fact that there are national organizations, like CUB, like Origins-USA and the AAC, as well as BSERI and a myriad of well-spoken and well-versed Mothers who are as capable of speaking as anyone, it is to representative of the The Evan B. Donaldson Institute, Agency Workers, Industry Shills and, most disturbing of all, the NCFA that they turn! After acting as the head of the NCFA for some time, Chuck Johnson even said that he gets calls from terrified women whose privacy he feels it is his DUTY to protect these invisible women. We have asked them politely NOT to speak on our behalf. We have written them letters. We have sent them emails. We have gotten beligerent. They never listen. We finally told them to "SHUT UP!!!" Still they talk...

Over the weekend, an interesting thing happened, an experiment, of sorts. The results, while not surprising were, none the less, somewhat shocking. Someone discovered that the NCFA had a Facebook Group. On their FB group, there is Discussion Page, where they invite people to "tell their adoption stories". There is even a post from a very recent "birthmother" commenting on their cool FB page. Whoever the great mind behind the FB Presence of NCFA posted back to her that they "love to hear from birthmothers." So, we did. The mothers of "You Know You're a First Mother When..." began to do exactly that. An invitation is an invitation, after all. We posted our stories, the true ones, the ones we tell ourselves. We are, after all, the experts of our experience. Adoptees picked it up and posted their adoption stories, too. Probably more truth and less bullshit than has been posted there in a very long time.

Within 2 days, it was gone. It was down. The Facebook Group is still there. The Discussion Page is still there. the "Ain't Adoption Great" posts were still there. Likely, even the "birthmother" who told them how cool it was is still there. But, the true ones. The ones they were inviting us to submit. The ones where WE tell our stories, our truth are gone.

Isn't it ironic, they feel perfectly within their rights to speak on behalf of mothers, and when they speak everyone listens. But, when mothers speak for themselves, it is not okay, even AFTER they issued an invitation, and then said that they "love to hear from birthmothers."

I know that there are women who do not desire contact with the children they surrendered. I believe that there will be more of them as time goes by, and people see, hear and read some of the things that adopted adults have to say about them, or they realize how difficult and painful reunion can be. And, I am sure that there are some women who have, indeed, hidden this secret for almost a half a century. But, come on! Does anyone REALLY believe that they called the NCFA and whined to Chuck for protection? I don't think so.

Maybe this is just cynical old me, but doesn't that sort of seem like the survivors of the Nazi Death Camps turning to Mengele to be their spokesman? Or a Nazi war criminal speaking on behalf of Simon Wiesenthal...Just doesn't seem likely....but, who knows? The press seems to think asking them "How Do Birthmothers feel about....?"makes sense. Maybe that's why the newspapers are going out of business.....

Chuck Johnson, the NCFA and a Call to Action

2010-08-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."

~Gloria Steinem~

Chuck Johnson, his position as Acting Chairman of the NCFA finally made permanent, has jumped in with both feet! He is already quoted in an article that is coming out in TIME Magazine entitled, "Finding Mom on Facebooks" In the article he talks about the calls he receives from "birthmothers" terrified that they will be contacted by their lost children, and how he promises that he will protect them.

I went to the NCFA Facebook page and, along with some other mothers of adoption loss, posted on their Wall. Here is what I posted to him....

I would like to politely suggest that instead of offering more bogus and impossible to keep promises to women who surrendered infants to adoption decades ago, that you might suggest that they join a support group, see a therapist, or find a way to free themselves of the pain of having to perpetuate a lie.

I would also like to politely request that you cease and desist speaking on their behalf. There are a sufficient number of women who have lost children to adoption who are eloquent, polite, well-educated, and more than willing to do so. I admit to a certain amount of skepticism about the objectivity of an umbrella organization that is supported by agencies whose business depends on surrendered infants

I have stated here before that I am sick to death of the NCFA, Donaldson and others who feel it incumbent to speak on behalf of mothers, represent mothers, protect mothers rights and otherwise intrude further into areas where they have NO right to intrude. They are the representatives FOR the adoption industry. The NCFA is mandated to promote adoption. The Evan B. Donaldson Institute is, from their website, " a national not-for-profit organization devoted to improving adoption policy and practice." Where in any of this does this allow them to speak on the behalf of MOTHERS? We are merely the producers of the product they sell! It is somewhat akin to advocates of the Beef Industry professin to be advocates for cows by finding "humane ways" of killing the cows....not to stop killing them, just make it as painless as possible to kill the cows in order to keep them from complaining. No promoting Veggie Burgers here!

I don't want them talking for me. I resent it. I hate it. I want them to sit down and shut up like they have told us to do for decades. I absolutely do NOT want them speaking on my behalf or on the behalf of the mothers of the EMS!

Do you feel that way, too? Do you want to allow them to speak for us, the producers on whom their INCOMES are dependent? I would suggest that we begin a campaign to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we are tired of them speaking on our behalf. Tell them exactly how we feel.

If Chuck is taking phone calls from mothers, as he asserts in the TIME article, let's let him hear from some of us who are NOT afraid of our pasts, let's let him know that REAL women don't need a man to speak for them.

Let's fill him in on the benefits of reunions with our children, and why we want the Sealed Records unsealed and available to ALL parties to the transaction. Let's give him a taste of women who are NOT willing to give in without a fight this time!

Here is contact information if you are interested. You can go to their Facebook Page and click on Like to post there, or you can phone, email, snailmail or fax your message...contact information below, or do what I am planning on doing, use them ALL! Please, join me in this. Maybe they will get the message and, after all, Chuck is taking phone calls from mothers.....said so in the article....

National Council For Adoption
225 N. Washington Street
Alexandria, VA 22314-2561
Attention: Chuck Johnson

or email at ncfa@adoptioncouncil.org

703-283-8957 phone line

703-299-6004 fax (media line)

Please, share your message to them in our Comments. I look forward to reading some.

Just realized that my friend, Motherhooddeleted, posted about this too, as did Daily Bastardette. If you haven't already, please visit and comment on their blogs..

Another Look at Anger - Balancing Your Warrior Spirit

2010-08-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

"When called to explore the way of the warrior, we can exhibit strength without sacrificing tenderness."

Some time ago, my sister sent me a link to an essay she had received. I read it, and liked it and signed up for their daily Affirmative message. The Daily OM now comes to my inbox daily. Most days I give them a cursory glance, and delete them. However, once in a while, there will be one that is spot on, and the one I received today was so spot on that I sent it to all my friends and put it on my FB Page. It was really on the mark for what I have been wrestling with recently both online and in person. Anger. That great big ugly word again, the one that strikes terror into the hearts and minds of "Nice Girls" everywhere. It seems that a mother's anger, the righteous indignation of a woman whose child has been wrested from her arms or from her womb is "not quite nice"....it makes others feel squeamish and nervous. It makes them feel things that are uncomfortable and to really look at things they thought were safe and pretty and forces them to see the rotting underbelly....the mother's pain that lasts forever.

Just in case you are a disbeliever about that pain thing...a friend sent me a link this morning to an article in the UK. It was about a 70-year-old woman who just reunited with her 95-year-old "real" mother! There are comments at the end of the article from readers, about how heart-warming their story is...but I don't see it that way at all, and neither did my friend. I saw it as a insult that two elderly women were not able to connect, according to law. I saw it as a travesty that a woman 95-years-old was still seen as a threat to the adopters of her daughter. I saw it as an insult that a 70-year-old woman is seen as so potentially dangerous that the mother must be protected from her. I saw it as an affirmation that the pain of the loss to adoption never, ever, ever ends.

When I read the Daily OM today, and saw that it was about the Inner Spirit Warrior, it resonated with my soul! The article addresses something that I have been struggling to say for some time.

"When we feel called to explore the way of the warrior, we may feel a strong sense of dismay because we have no wish to disavow ourselves of our softer side."

This is an issue that EMS women, and the mothers of SMAAC, and I suppose any activist women deal with on a daily basis. Women multi-task, and men don't, or at least they don't do it well. But, activism takes the multi-tasking to an entirely different level. It becomes an art form! We MUST care for our families, we need nurture from our families, our mates and each other and we need to nurture in return. We are mothers, wives and friends. We are women, after all.

To me, the Inner Warrior is the Righteous Anger that I feel at the unnecessary loss of my son, and the anger at the injustice at the unnecessary and punitive loss of my son to forced surrender for adoption. For some time, I have known that an anger that is focused and directed is a great tool. It can be the energizer, the impetus to get an activist off the dime and into the fray once again.

Your inner warrior is one source of strength you can draw upon in times of great need. When you employ your warrior spirit thoughtfully, it manifest itself as clarity, focus, determination, courage, constancy, and an unflappable zest for life. The warrior vies roadblocks as evolutionary opportunities and is not afraid to pursue a purpose to its climax....Exploring this unique side of yourself is a means of broadening your reality so you can internalize mindfulness while meeting life's challenges with an intensity of spirit that never wavers.

The key, said the Daily OM article, to making this work is balance. Balancing activism, mothering, wife, family, home, careers, writing, hobbies, crafts, art, reading, learning, and as we age, fatigue, illness (both ourselves and our family members), strength and emotional issues, along with grief and resolve is not a simple task. All in all, EMS mothers have become even more adept at balancing, I believe, than even regular women, and women as a whole do it without thinking.

I think that by and large most EMS Mothers I know of do well at balancing their lives, the various aspects of themselves that make them successful human beings. I believe that we have, for the most part, managed to take a very unhappy time and turn it into something that, while not necessarily a positive, certainly something we can use to affect positive changes. While we haven't taken the lemons that life gives us and made it into lemonade, we are using the pain and anger of our situation in positive ways. And, some days are better than others.

I believe that what the angry mothers of the EMS, by using their experience, their pain with "Compassionate Intensity" as the author of the Daily OM article called it, have been effective. I have watched the awareness grow that the use of the term "Birthmother" is unacceptable to many mothers. I have seen the awareness of the actions of the Adoption Industry during the Era of Mass Surrender or the BSE, go from the stuff of anonymous online, closed group discussion, to whispers behind the hand of social workers that "terrible things happened back then," to full blow acknowledgment of unethical and illegal practices that were used to separate the women from their newborns.

We are being heard. We are being effective. We are having an impact. We have managed to keep our balance. Well done, Warrior Sisters.

Poison Pens

2010-07-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

A poison pen letter is a letter or note containing unpleasant, abusive or malicious statements or accusations about the recipient or a third party. It is usually sent anonymously. Poison pen letters are usually composed and sent to upset the recipient.

With the advent of e-mail and the general decline in letter writing, poison pen letters have become something of a rarity.

• Poison pen letters are a main theme in Agatha Christie's novel The Moving Finger, John Dickson Carr's Night at the Mocking Widow, and in Enid Blyton's children's book The Mystery of the Spiteful Letters.

In Stieg Larsson's book The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest, from his Millennium Trilogy, one of the main characters Erika Berger, receives anonymous threatening letters from a sender she nicknames 'Poison Pen'.

Hate mail (as electronic, posted, or otherwise) is a form of harassment, usually consisting of invective and potentially intimidating or threatening comments towards the recipient. Hate mail often contains exceptionally abusive, foul or otherwise hurtful language.

The recipient may receive disparaging remarks concerning the subject's ethnicity, sexuality, religion, intelligence, political ideology, sense of ethics, or sense of aesthetics. The text of hate mail often contains profanity, or it may simply contain a negative, disappropriating message.

Forensic linguists have increasingly been called upon to identify authorship of hate mail. See for example 'Wordcrime' a case file series by John Olsson, UK forensic linguist, which details several cases.

Divide and Conquer

2010-07-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Lately, it seems there is a renewed rage directed at mothers who have surrendered their children for adoption. I began to notice it a few months back on forums where suddenly mothers were AGAIN being referred to as Abandoners. I really resent that label and find it particularly offensive when applied to mothers of the EMS, since we ourselves were abandoned...and unlike the infants who were the object of the scorn directed at us, we were completely aware of it and devastated by the Judas-like behavior of our families, our lovers and our friends. Every pitying glance, every averted gaze, every slight hesitation of speech, every subtle nuance of tone we were painfully, acutely aware of , stung each time we experienced it. Each of us, I would venture to say, tried in our own limited way, to the best of our ability, to figure a way to keep our child. It wasn't to be. During the EMS, we did NOT abandon, but were ourselves abandoned. I think that is one reason why the word stings so now when hurled at us.

Gradually, online, in private groups, the feelings and the frenzy escalated until lately it has spilled over onto public forums. You can see it in several of the VERY public spaces on Facebooks, and in Yahoo Answers, but very recently, it has shown up on Public Forums for mothers on Facebook as well! That is where I draw my line in the sand. I will accept no less respectful treatment in a public forum than I will in my living room, and while I understand the anger and frustration that I see from some adoptees, I also know that I owe nothing to people who are rude for no reason.

One ramification of these behaviors is that people are watching. There are mothers who have found the Internet but haven't yet found their children. They can read, they understand Google. What they may and I am finding often do have trouble understanding is the palpable rage directed at them for abandoning their babies!   The first time I heard that I was taken aback, but it was on the old MSN forums, I believe Adoptese, and there were people there who quickly set it straight.    The EMS infants, now in their 40's and 50's, the children of the Girls Who Went Away learned along with the mothers, the former girls themselves, the feelings that they had thought were uniquely their own were common, no matter whether based in fact or fiction, and as we all learned and better understood, the rancor diminished.

Now I see a resurgence, a reawakening of the undirected rage, the counterproductive anger that lashes out at any and all indiscriminately. I wonder where it comes from. I see it in the adoptee forums, where I read but no longer feel comfortable posting. I see it in the mother's forums where they come to spew at mothers in general the anger they feel toward their mothers in specific. I see it in the emails that I receive and in the threats and accusations that fly around.  I see a simple statement by one adoptee with a minor smolder of resentment get whipped into a firestorm by a few well-designed comments. Then it takes off like a wildfire.

I also see mothers who feed this rage. They seem to feel that "good mothers" take it, no matter what. They seem to feel that "good mothers" accept whatever they get from ALL adoptees.  This seems to be based in their guilt about THEIR adoptee which seems so great that they must flog themselves or allow others to do so to expunge the shame.  They attempt to "MOTHER UP" by allowing ALL adoptees to beat them up, because adoptees FEEL abandoned, they FEEL their mothers left them willingly instead of kicking and screaming and these mothers seem to think that if they accept whatever they receive, they are better women and more compassionate and understanding mothers.  I am not one of these women.

There has been much written from the EMS that details the experiences of mothers. If one picks up The Girls Who Went Away, Wake Up, Little Suzie, or some of the other books from that era and still think that mothers had a choice, made a plan, picked out parents, or had an ounce of "choice" in things, they are considering much more sophisticated women than I or any of the mothers I know were in their late teens and early 20's. I consider their ignorance of the facts at this point in time to be willful, cultivated and determined. I liken it to my children when they were little and I accused them of "Holding your breath till you turn blue".

One has to wonder who is served by this non-specific rage and generalized lashing out.  It serves the industry that took infants from their EMS mothers, the mothers who are contemporaries of the women of SMAAC, when it was budding. Now it is in full bloom and looking for new options in which to grow. One only has to learn the lessons of history, and recall the ancient but famously effective Divide and Conquer...

Divide and conquer (derived from the Latin saying Divide et impera) may refer to:
Divide and rule, in politics, sociology and economics, a strategy to gain or maintain power

Defeat in detail, in warfare, a tactical maneuver to efficiently deal with a numerous opponent.

The Divide and Conquer strategy was used by the Romans, the British in colonizing and used by the United States against the Native Population all the way through World War II. And, it seems that it is being used today in adoption reform.

The Phone Call

2010-07-22T09:16:00.000-07:00

My granddaughter has been staying with me off and on over the summer. She is 6 and just finished kindergarten. Her mommy, my daughter, has had her in daycare at her work year round in the past, but with her in "big" school for the first time, she hadn't made arrangements for her over the summer and since I am off work and at home and nearby, I volunteered. It has been fun. We have had a good time with a little person around the house again. We have done things that we don't normally do, like going to see Toy Story 3 last night. Cute movie and there were some GREAT scenes in it, like when Buzz Lightyear (of "To Infinity and Beyond!" fame) gets his Spanish mode button pushed. Hilarious! (I told my husband that I want to find his Spanish mode button! LOL)

We came home from the movie last night full of popcorn, soda and laughter, relaxed and ready for bed. After putting my granddaughter in her room with the remote (she likes to watch tv until she falls asleep, and after all, Mommy, it IS summer) and curled up on the couch to watch the news and the phone rang. I picked it up, and checked the Caller ID, and there was my son's name! The son I haven't talked to since I got home from being within 100 miles of him for 3 months last fall as opposed to the 1000 miles that is normal for us...the son who I have been reunited with for 20 years and seen once...the son who disappears for YEARS at a time after contact with no word at all.....the son that I had warned that I could no longer continue to play the pushme-pullyou game because each time he disappeared it was worse than the original loss....the son who is now a grandfather, himself...the son who is father to 3 of my grandchildren that I have never met and some of whom don't know I exist, called me again and I answered the phone with my heart in my mouth in anticipation yet again as it did the first time we spoke 20 years ago.

It seems that, no matter how okay I seem with the silences, I am never really over it. I love my boy. I miss his calls, I miss his voice, and I miss the contact. He is my firstborn, my child, no matter that he is 43 years old and I have sen him once as an infant and once as an adult. His image is etched in my heart's memory and he is as familiar to me as the air around me. He is mine.

We talked about his anger and how when we talk he is excited, happy and it makes his day. Then as the days pass, he gets angry about being cheated of his mother. There is no place for that anger so he gets angry at me. Thus begins another cycle of silence, refused phone calls, unanswered texts and no contact. Each time I say to myself, "This is IT! I cannot STAND it again!" and each time I do.

I wish he would talk to other adoptees like the ones I meet online. I wish he knew that he is NOT terminally unique in his feelings. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take his pain away. I wish he could know that there are others who feel as he does, but he is an adult and he is responsible for finding out how to deal with these things on his own. I can make suggestions, if they are wanted, but I cannot do it for him.

I answered his call. I cried, my heart soared, my heart crashed. We laughed, he shared. Now, I will wait for the inevitable silence that will follow when his pain and anger overcome his best intentions and he retreats yet again. I am convinced, however, that something has changed. Later I may not feel as confident, but this time when he told me good bye and told me that he loved me, I believed him. I knew in my heart that he means it and that no matter how much he retreats into silence again, I will hear from him again. I know that we are linked by a bond that cannot be broken. He is my son, my heart and I love him and I will take his calls and visits...forever, no matter what...I just will....

Percy Jackson, the Olympians, and the Era of Mass Surrender!

2010-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

People wonder why I focus my attention on the EMS/BSE and the rights of the mothers. They ridicule and try to undermine. They think that nothing we who share my beliefs say or do will have an impact on the adoptions today, will not stop a single woman today from losing her child. They think that the few of us (one person suggested that there were "less than 6 women" who were interested in our issue) who are working on the EMS/BSE mothers' rights abuse issue are diverting the focus from TODAY and their issue of the right of the adoptee to their OBC.

Let me direct your attention to a recent announcement from Bethany Christian Services, where they reported that adoptions through them are UP 26% for 2010! So, instead of bringing DOWN the number of current adoptions, the rate of adoption is INCREASING with all the attention that is being raised. It isn't just Madonna and Angelina now, it is the "EVERYTEEN" asking on YA if they are old enough, if they can convince their parents to adopt, if they can adopt themselves, how they can surrender their baby so they can sort of give one "for the Gipper" so to speak....it is twisted, bizarre and incomprehensible. It has become 'normalized' and a goto choice for childless people served by the adoption industry.

I have said so many times that when I was on the board of OriginsUSA, that I realized that faster than we could address one area of current adoption practice, another area or two or three morphed out of control and became an issue. I likened it to a Hydra, growing two heads to replace the one we chopped off.

Last night I watched the movie, "Percy Jackson And The Olympians; The Lightning Thief" based on the book by fellow San Antonian, Rick Riordan.   Mythology is merely the stories that people made up to explain the everyday, mundane things that happen in life that affect us all. Last night, watching Percy Jackson, I was reminded of my earlier post. After a fierce battle, where Young Percy severed ALL the heads, the flame breathing, many headed fanged monster, resurrected and renewed, fought again. It was ONLY when they held up the severed head, still lethal, of Medusa (Uma Thruman looked good, even with snakes for hair!) and turned it to stone that it was stopped, literally in its tracks.

That is what I wish to do and what the mothers of SMAAC are intent upon, making the industry and the population stare in the eye of the women who were left behind, the millions of damaged, sad women who even today are unwilling or unable to step out of their hiding and demand that society take a look at them, a good long look, and see what was done.

No, I have no thought that exposing the illegal practices will return one single EMS baby to their mother's loving arms as the infant that she lost. Those 'babies' are now in their 40's and 50's. They are what they are, damaged or whole, grateful or un, happy or grieving, and they can never come back as the babes that we lost. Our mission is not about that, and oddly it is not about THEM. It is about the mothers.  Shame on us, for thinking of ourselves, for seeking justice for ourselves, for putting ourselves first. But, I believe that it is only in putting mothers first, in stating that mothers were hurt by the loss of their children, a forced loss, over which we had no control, that the mothers of tomorrow will be empowered to say NO, when they are faced by an ill-timed pregnancy.

Before I was reunited, I would console myself with the idea that however unwilling my 'sacrifice', the fact that my son had a wonderful life would somehow make it all okay. I was hurt, but his life was storybook good.   Then we reunited. I found that his life wasn't storybook, but just a life. In many ways it was not as good as what I would have been able to offer him, even if I had remained single.

The fact that for many of the mothers, and their lost infants, the lies of adoption, the illegal and punitive torture that was status quo during that time remains unaddressed by us sends a message to the industry and the public. Our silence is complicit. Our refusal to demand the violation of our rights allows the industry to continue to speak on our behalf, which allows them to be the ones who spin the discussion. By continuing to put our issue last, and refusing to fight for justice for mothers our message is clear. It was OKAY to violate us then...we survived. It is okay to continue to violate women today, because if WE survived, so will they, and our pain didn't matter to us so why will their pain matter, if the Poor Infertiles who whine really, really nicely are able to get their fantasy child to fill their empty but already decorated nursery and fill out the empty but already purchased baby clothes they have been stockpiling. Heaven forbid that their dreams be dashed at the cost of an unmarried woman.

I believe it is the duty of the mothers of the past, at least as many as will, to again and again use our truth as a Medusa Head to stop the Hydra of adoption in its tracks! That worked for Percy Jackson and his friends, and, I think that our truth is the only thing that will. The EMS is STILL the foundation on which all current practices are built. Destroy the foundation, the root, and the whole beast falls under its own weight.

A Visit From Walter.

2010-07-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

I think that some basic principles have been overlooked this week and there seems to be some confusion about some basic rules of etiquette. I have decided to do a Primer, of sorts, on some of the basics that apply to this blog, discussion groups, forums and the internet, in general.

This is a blog. This is MY blog. A blog is defined as,

A frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links.

Information

"A blog is often a mixture of what is happening in a person's life and what is happening on the Web, a kind of hybrid diary/guide site, although there are as many unique types of blogs as there are people.

People maintained blogs long before the term was coined, but the trend gained momentum with the introduction of automated published systems, most notably Blogger at blogger.com. Thousands of people use services such as Blogger to simplify and accelerate the publishing process.

Blogs are alternatively called web logs or weblogs. However, "blog" seems less likely to cause confusion, as "web log" can also mean a server's log files".

This is a blog about the things that pop into MY head, or things that capture MY interest and I put them on MY blog to share with anyone who is interested. If you agree, cool. If you don't, tough rocks. Up until today, I allowed, as a courtesy, for commenters to leave their unmoderated comments on my blog.

However, one thing this is NOT is a Discussion Forum. Wikipedia defines a discussion forum as:

"An Internet forum, or message board, is an online discussion site.[1] It originated as the modern equivalent of a traditional bulletin board, and a technological evolution of the dialup bulletin board system.[2][3] From a technological standpoint, forums or boards are web applications managing user-generated content.[3][4]

People participating in an Internet forum may cultivate social bonds and interest groups for a topic made from the discussions."

Discussion forums or groups can be moderated, or unmoderated. They can be Public or they can have varying degrees of being Private. Some are totally private.

In the past couple years, with the advent of Social Networking, there has been a blurring of the lines as far as what is what. Some bloggers, like Jane Edwards and Lorraine Dusky at FirstmotherForum are using their blog as a Forum. Even though it is a blog format it is being used as a moderated forum where people can leave comments in support, or merely as conversation. I am sure that there are others that are used in that way, including, from time to time, Daily Bastardette's Marley Greiner. That is THEIR choice for THEIR blogs.

At the other end of the spectrum are blogs that are used as websites, like the one we have for SMAAC. We allow no comments and it is actually our website for the organization.

In between these extremes are blogs like my friend, Motherhooddeleted, who allows comments that are polite and that are supportive or courteously disagree, but if they are impolite, rude or abusive, they hit the trash! She says, " My home, my blog, my opinions. This is not a discussion forum."

There is one other thing that I have noticed lately. Social networking sites are NOT, I repeat NOT private, or safe places to post your deepest thoughts. They are public places, viewable by anyone who plugs in the right thing. There are groups on social networking sites that are private, but most are not. Nor are places that appear when you google for information, like Yahoo Answers, Cafe Mom or some of the other places where people post questions and answers. They are not safe, they are not private, and even the private ones are only as safe as the people in them. The things you put on the itnernet STAY THERE FOREVER.

Let me relate a little story. When my husband was married to his first wife, they lived in Houston. He had a friend, and when we were first married he would tell me stories about his friend, Walter. Walter, said Dan, was quirky, very quirky. As men often do, when he moved away from Houston, and back home to San Antonio, he lost track of his quirky friend, Walter.

One day, he called Directory Assistance, and asked the Operator for the number of his quirky friend. He had done that from time to time, but never with any good result. This time, however, he connected. We had unlimited long distance, brand new item at the time, and we were enthralled with it. He called Walter, and, after talking to him for hours, they agreed that Walter would come and visit us in our home for an extended weekend.

Walter came the following week. Dan introduced us, he gave me a Hostess Gift and we introduced him to our children. The weekend got off to a lovely start. However, it quickly deteriorated with nasty comments, criticisms, and complaints. We sat down for dinner, and by the time the dinner was on the table, I was tight-lipped and Dan was grim.

Dan and the children were at the table and I set our lovely dinner over which I had labored for hours, I sat down, and bowed my head and the children began our dinner prayer that they said each evening. Walter interrupted them and, in a loud voice, announced that they were NOT praying, that praying was heartfelt and what they were doing was by rote. That was the straw that broke this camel's back! I stood up at the table, hands on my hips and told him that I wanted him to leave MY house immediately. I didn't care WHERE he went; I didn't care WHAT he did; I didn't care what HAPPENED to him, as long as he left my house immediately.

Never before in my life had I ever been intentionally rude to any guest in my home. Never before had I ever told anyone to leave, even uninvited guests who came at inconvenient times. But, I told Walter to leave. There were rules of courtesy and etiquette that Guests were expected to abide by when they visited, and Walter had walked all over all the rules of common courtesy. I threw his ass out of my home.

My blog is my home online. I make the rules and as long as commenters abide by the common courtesies normally offered to another human being, there is no problem. However, recently there have been some overstepping etiquette. My blog is NOT a forum, as I have said earlier, but merely my thoughts on issues that are current, past, present, my life and things that pop into my head. You are welcome to comment as long as you are courteous and respectful. But, if you are rude or discourteous or disrespectful I will ask you to leave, like Walter....

Friends and Family

2010-07-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I am a fortunate woman. I have been called names, I have been accused of being bitter and angry and told that I need to find peace. Sometimes those comments sting...sometimes they are like arrows to the heart, but usually they roll off me like water off a duck's back, because I know something my detractors don't. I have friends.

The other day, I had coffee with an old friend. It was like going home. She and I became friends over 20 years ago, when our children were young, and we shared so much as they grew. We supported each other through illnesses, triumphs, sadness, and joy. She lived very nearby, and when we moved away, and she moved away, we sort of lost contact, but not really. I always knew where she was, and she, me. We talked from time to time, and each time it was like we were picking up the conversation where we left off. She just moved closer, and we reconnected and picked up, again, where we left off, with coffee and conversation. We will do it again, and again. I missed her, I missed our talks, I missed her face.

It dawned on me later, as I reflected on our lovely coffee morning, how fortunate I really am. I have friends. I have people who care about me because they choose to, and not because they have to. That is a blessing and one that I reciprocate. I have many friends and loved ones, both in the flesh and online. Many of them are both.

When I was a Girl Scout, there was a Round Song that we learned and sang ( as often as possible, to the chagrin of our leader!) which went:

Make new Friends
But, Keep the old
One is Silver
And, the other Gold

That song always made sense to me. Since my father was in sales during the time I was growing up and upwardly mobile people moved their families often, we moved about once a year. I was GREAT at being the new kid! I made friends quickly, and was very social. That was my survival. I am fortunate that many of my friends are still my friends.

A few weeks ago, my best friend's daughter came to visit from Illinois. We went to the San Antonio Riverwalk and had dinner and laughed for hours, with her husband, her daughters (one who thinks I am GREAT, because I have good jokes!) and it dawned on me yet again how very fortunate I am to have been a part of this young woman's life, as her mother's friend, for as long as her memory. She and my daughter are very good friends, as well, so that has been a double blessing for our families. I cannot imagine a world without my friend in it. It is not one that I would care to live in. She taught me so very much about love, about loss, and survival and about truth and wisdom, and lasting friendship, usually over a cup of tea or a glass of wine. I will forever be grateful that she IS. And, that she is my friend.

I have met some rare individuals online. Some of the wisest and most intelligent women I know are my online friends. Some have gone beyond being simply "online friends" and have become friends of my heart on whom I have come to depend and from whom I seek ( and hopefully GIVE) counsel and support. I have spent time with them, I have been with them in person, or in spirit. I cherish them and I know that they value my friendship as much as I value theirs.

I have family that I adore. My brother was my earliest and most steadfast friend. We were a Gruesome Twosome before my sisters were born, and he is still, in my heart, my very first love. I adore my brother, and admire his wit, his strength, his knowledge and his kind heart. When he married my sister-in-law, I knew that she had to be one of the most special people EVER and if he loved her, I would too. And, I do. She is wonderful, but even if she was a toad, she adores my brother and how could you not love that!?

My sister who was my early annoyance, the tag along that I was responsible for, the anchor that kept my free spirit firmly tied in the yard, has become one of my closest friends. She knows me intimately, knows my quirks, knows my hang ups, knows ME. She loves me. Imagine!? I am so fortunate to know and be related to this very special woman and her very much loved husband. I adore my sister. I love to spend time with her, talk to her. She is my refuge, my other half. My life would be empty without my sister/friend.

I have a handsome cowboy of a husband of over 25 years, the love of my life, who is my dearest, most intimate friend as well as my lover. We share everything and the things about me that drive me crazy, he just thinks are adorable. He admires me. He admires my passion about the things I do, the people I love and the battles I fight. He learned long ago that I don't want him to fight my battles FOR me, something he was more than willing to do in the early days, but listen to me while I work out ideas as to how I will fight them myself. He is a Warrior, a Viet Nam Vet, and we share many common experiences, from the same time period. We value the warrior in each other as equally as valuable as our other parts, all that make up the complex US.

My children have reached an age where I no longer have to be concerned about whether or not they do the right things...now I can trust that I have instilled the values in them that will make that a certainty. Now I can just love, appreciate the people they are, and be their friend, too. My children are my legacy. My grandchildren are my joy. They are my little friends, growing into more people that I like as friends. One of the wonderful things about being a Grandmother is that you know that time will pass, they will grow up, they will love you and you will love them, and the stupid and silly things they are doing NOW will be a HUGE embarrassment for them when they are looking at it from a distance. Hopefully, I will live long enough to tease them about it when they are adults....some of them deserve it! They all love me, too. How lucky am I?

Recently a former friend said that she felt sorry for some of us who are concerned about our own rights. and the choices we make for our advocacy. How strange! I have a full, rich, rewarding life, with many friends and loved ones to share it with We laugh. We giggle. We gossip. We talk about our children and grandchildren. We share our joy and our sorrow. I am thrilled to have these friends and loved ones to share with. I am sorry for the people who are not in my life, including my former friend, because they are missing a WHOLE lot of fun!

FRIENDS and FAMILY! Thank you for being there. I love you! I appreciate you!

Integrity

2010-07-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

For some time now, on Yahoo Answers and Craigslist, there have been what appeared to be Prosepective Adopters trolling the internet trying to find a womb-fresh baby to adopt. Despite the fact that it is against Terms of Use on most online sites to do that, it is, nevertheless, being done, not just by PAPs but by Industry Shills, who had already been doing it for years in newspaper ads, in magazines and billboards. This is just a "newer, cheaper, easier" method of doing what had been working for them for a long time.

Recently, there was an article on CNN about Adoption Seekers using Social Networking sites like YouTube, Facebooks, Craigslist and Cafe Mom to locate "potential birthmothers" to try and get their babies. So, now it is not, as has been pointedly stated when mothers and adoptees express their doubt about the validity of someone who is posting, the paranoid delusions of a few "bitter, angry birthmothers" or "ungrateful, unhappy" adoptees spewing their "nastiness" on the internet....it is now a documented fact. The article even mentioned that Bethany Christian Services has been recommending it!

They lie, they pretend to be 'concerned' for the poor 'birthmother' and only want to offer her help during 'this difficult time' in her young life. It doesn't matter that the 'help' they offer is to help themselves to her healthy. white infant (BTW, the article also mentions that fact, too, for the doubters), but if it isn't white, they will adjust their own expectations down, along with the amount of cash they are willing to outlay.

Mothers and Adoptees complain about the dishonesty of these machinations, about the lies that are an intrinsic part of the surrender and adoption experience for mothers and adoptees. We demand that the lies end, and state loudly that we ONLY want the truth in all things that relate to adoption, because lives are being built, precariously, on a tissue of lies, that will unravel when the right thread is pulled.

Mahatma Gandhi said....

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Model the behavior you wish to receive. It is just the Golden Rule, the Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You that we were all taught in Sunday School. If you want honesty, be honest. If you say something, mean it. Don't allow base emotions to control what you speech or actions. If you say something, mean it. If you post something controversial, put your name to it and bear the fallout, both the positive and the negative.

Adoptees and mothers want the Original Birth Certificates unsealed. We want to be able to get the documents that show the relationship between mother and child. We want Legislators to recognize the unnecessary suffering the EMS women endured, and how the knowledge the industry gained from the EMS and us has trickled down to be used agaisnt mothers today. We want THEM to stop the lies, the deception, the coercion, the outright fraud, so that is what we also need to do.

Every action has a consequence. That is the message that we wanted our children to learn as they grew up. They must experience the consequences of their actions, both good and bad, in order to become responsibile adults who make good choices.

The best teacher is one who walks her talk. The best people are those who stand for what they believe and are who they are, wherever they are, no matter what.